hisharilyn asked:
lately I’ve been going through some hard things, really, really difficult things in life. And it sucks, a lot. But through this, I’ve grown closer to God and gotten back into church, started making new, better friends. But still find myself constantly thinking about those really difficult things almost every minute of my day. I want to focus on God and his plan for me, not only to keep me distracted from thinking about these things, but because i know that Gods plans for me are beneficial to me and for his kingdom. How would you recommend i fall more and more in love with Jesus. I just want to be on fire for Him, if you know what i mean. i know its kind of a vague question, but anything helps :)

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Shery,

Thanks for your question.

Sometimes, spiritual growth can work like a rubber band.  If you put one end of a rubber band around your finger, and pull on the other end, the rubber band will stretch, to a point.  And then it won’t go any farther.

In our spiritual lives, when there’s something in our past that needs addressing, it can work like the end of the rubber band that’s around our finger.  We can stretch forward to a point, but then we stop.  There just isn’t more give left.

I mention all that to say that I’m guessing the issue for you isn’t one of falling more in love with Jesus.  I bet you love Jesus a lot.  I’m guessing that what’s causing problems is that we need to fully address those “really difficult things” in your life.

Grief, trauma, and fear, when they go unaddressed for a long period of time, tend to lead to depression, constant low-level anxiety, and emotional numbness.  Well, that’s not a good way to go.  So, how do we avoid that?

The first thing we need, when we’re going through a rough time, is a safe place to vent about it.  And, as a Christian, you’ll want to have that safe place with both some older Christians, and in your prayer life.  If you haven’t before, now would be the perfect time to start getting really honest, and really raw with God.  Don’t hold stuff back, don’t couch things, don’t say what you think he wants to hear.  Tell him the ugly truth of your emotional reality.  If you’re feeling squeamish about that, go read Psalms 13 and 22.  And then sit down with God and do what David did: keep it real.  Tell God in intricate detail how you feel about what’s happened in your life, what you hate about it, who you’re mad at, who you want God to smite, and so forth.  Pour your heart out to God, and keep pouring until you’re tapped out. 

The second thing we need is to ask this question: what am I afraid to look at?  Rough times in our lives can provoke hard questions inside of us.  And, often, we’re afraid to ask those questions and hear the answer.  What kind of questions am I talking about?  I’ll give you a few examples…

“Does God really love me?” 

“Is God really a good person?” 

“Am I damaged goods?” 

“Are there still good things in my future?” 

“Do my family/friends truly care about me?” 

“Is there something wrong with me?”

If you’re wondering about one of those questions – or any other really hard question – but you’re feeling afraid to look it full in the face and hear the answer, you’re going to find it dang near impossible to find real peace.  Because, deep inside, the question is driving you crazy.

The solution is to ask God for courage, brace yourself, and get with a Pastor and ask the question.  My job involves counseling people with unbelievably hard life situations, and I promise that the answer to the hard question is always something you can live through.  It will not kill you, and on the other side is peace. 

The final thing to look at – and, this comes only after steps 1 and 2 – is forgiveness.  And let’s be honest about forgiveness for a second.  That’s something that Christians talk a whole lot about, but almost never practice.  Real forgiveness requires working things out between you and God, being honest about your feelings, and asking the tough questions.  It’s only when we’ve surveyed the full impact of what has occurred, and the damage it’s done in our life, that we’re able to relinquish our claim on that wound and allow God to have it. 

By contrast, when Christians talk about forgiveness – generally – what they mean is “pretending that something bad didn’t happen.”  It sounds a little bit like that’s what you’re trying right now, and, as you’re seeing, that doesn’t work.

Sis, I don’t doubt that you love Jesus.  And you will learn to love him more.  But, right now, I’d take a look at if the challenge before you isn’t one of confronting your past full-on.  I think it is.

If you have more questions on any of this, hit my ask box.  Stay strong, sis.  The best is yet to come.