save-me-and-forgive-me asked you:
Hi, Jed. I loved the blog “What’s So Great About Sex?” and just had to ask your opinion on something. Even after you’ve crossed the line of sex before marriage is it too late for it to be special between you and your future spouse? Or are all the goods just spoiled? Even if you marry a different person.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Amanda,

Glad you enjoyed the post!

This is a great question.  And the answer is that sex with your future spouse will be as special as you allow God to make it, regardless of your past screw-ups, or lack thereof.

Let’s talk about the “lack thereof” option for a second.  I know plenty of Christian married couples who “behaved themselves” before they got married, and didn’t cross any boundaries they weren’t supposed to.  And, unfortunately, some of those marriages have terrible, or non-existent, sex lives.  You might ask yourself: how the heck does that work?

Well, see, there are a lot of Christians who have decided that, in order to be safe, we’ll just consider sex bad.  We won’t do it, think about it, talk about it, or anything else.  We just won’t.  And, yeah, that can sometimes keep you from pre-marital sex.  But, when the ring goes on the finger, it all becomes both legal and good, but their attitude hasn’t changed.  In their minds, sex is still dirty.

By contrast, I know plenty of Christian married couples where one or both of the people have had pretty colorful histories in regards to sexuality.  And, shockingly, a number of those married couples have fantastic sex lives.  Again, we should ask: how does that happen?

It turns out that if you go to God and say, “I’ve made a mess of sex in my life, but I don’t want to do that anymore.  God, can you show me what you want sex to look like for me?”, God’s answer to that request is, “Heck yes!” 

The truth is that there is no such thing as “damaged goods”.  There just isn’t.  You can have screwed up in an arena 10,000 times, but the day you go to God and ask for his plan, he’ll still be ready to give it to you.

But, now, for the exceptionally brave, there is something better: redemption.  To redeem something means to bring something good out of it.  And God is in the business of redeeming our sinful pasts.

If you’re willing, Amanda, God can turn your struggles with sexuality into something amazing. 

Here’s a secret that I know about sex the way the world approaches it: it isn’t special.  Ever.  It’s boring.  And routine.  And as-expected.  And disappointing.  And guilty.  And if you’ve gone through rough times with sexuality in your life, then you know all that.

And, see, when God brings you to the place of marriage, and teaches you how to have a sex life that’s focused on serving your spouse, and celebrating the spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy that God’s given you, you will know not only that your married sex life is extremely special, but you will know what the alternative is.  And that is a great gift.

Don’t just let God forgive your past.  Let him redeem it.  Make up your mind to have the sex life he always wanted for you, and then, you will be in a unique position to talk to young women that are hurting themselves with premarital sex and say, “Let me tell you about something so much better.”