thereareangelsinyourangles asked you:
I feel weird asking this to someone whose blog I just found, but you seem like someone with a good heart & a lot of wisdom. I used to be a “strong Christian” & when I reached out to a gay community without saying “you’re living in sin, God wants you to change”, I was ostracized by my fellow believers, found myself losing a lot of confidence & fell into the throes of an eating disorder. I still believe in God but I’m so caught up in where I am & I don’t know how to get back to where I was.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Kylie,

Thanks for your note, my friend.  And no need to feel weird – that’s what I’m here for.

I’m sorry that happened to you.  It sucks, and it’s not OK.

You said that you don’t know how to get back to where you were.  I totally hear that.  If you’ll permit me to say so, I think the challenge before you is not to get back to where you were – because you can’t, and I don’t think you’d want to – but, rather, to figure out where we go next.

Before we can move forward, though, we have to deal with the past.  Here’s what we know:

• Reaching out to folks who don’t know Jesus is good.
• Jesus was known – and criticized – for being a “friend of sinners”, just like you were.
• When Jesus told people that they were living in sin and needed to change, he was usually talking to the religious people, who are the very people that mistreated you.
• When Jesus was talking to “sinners”, He loved on them and told them to hang out with him and just rest (Matthew 11:28-30).

(And, so you know where I’m coming from, I love gay people.  Period.  And anybody that has a problem with that can meet me and Jesus in the parking lot.)

Now, then, if we look at the past, what we see is a young gal trying to follow the example of Jesus, and having a bunch of so-called Christians persecute her for it.  And, sis, I’m terribly, terribly sorry that that happened.

You said that this shook your confidence and wreaked havoc on some self-image struggles.  And that makes sense: it’s very difficult to have a group of people hating on you and decide that they’re the problem.

But here’s what we need to decide, in order to move forward: they – the church people – were, in point of fact, the problem.  They sucked.  They sinned.  And they were the problem; not you.

Here’s what the Bible says…

“When people realize it is the living God you are presenting and not some idol that makes them feel good, they are going to turn on you… There is a great irony here: proclaiming so much love, experiencing so much hate!” (Matthew 10:21-23, MSG)

And, one more.

“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe to stumble, it would be better for him if, with a heavy millstone hung around his neck, he had been cast into the sea.” (Mark 9:42, NASB)

I think, Kylie, that if we can make up our mind that you were not the problem, then that actually opens the door to moving into something truly amazing.  And that is a relationship with God that’s just you and Him.  Nobody else is invited, and nobody else gets a say.

To grow as a Christian past a certain (very early) point, one must decide that it’s just them and God.  And that keeps a lot of people from growing further, because they want their relationship with God to be decided by committee.  But you, sis, because of this terrible experience you’ve gone through, have the advantage of already knowing that a great number of so-called Christians are completely full of it.

Your walk with God should scare other people.  And when it does, press farther.  They don’t like you loving gay people?  Love gay people harder.  Volunteer at the AIDS hospice.  Get involved with a group like Emmaus that does outreach to gay prostitutes here in Chicago.  Refuse to quit.  Never, ever give up.

Along the way, you will find a (small) community of fellow believers that get you, love you, and have your back.  And that is a great blessing. 

One more quick thing.  God is with you, Kylie.  He loves you desperately, and he is torn between sorrow for the way his daughter hurts, and anger for the way she was treated.  He’s not giving up on you, and he’s not ashamed to be your Dad.  No matter what’s happened in the last bit of your life, he’s not deterred in his love for you.  And he’s not scared of the hurt and confusion inside of you.  I’m betting that His strongest desire is for you to get all of that out in the open with Him so he can tell you this: “They were wrong.  And I love you.”

You are your Father’s daughter, Kylie.  You have his heart, sister.  I know, because I can see the family resemblance.  Don’t give up. 

Tomorrow, the odds are, you will show up for church.  And when you do, I bet there’s part of you that looks around at all the neat, tidy, squared-away people in that sanctuary and thinks: “What am I doing here?  They all have this Christian thing figured out so much better than me.  I’m barely pulling it off.  And I don’t belong here.”

If you’re feeling that way, for what it’s worth, I understand.  And so does God.  But, he doesn’t agree.

The Bible says that “all have sinned”, and that means that, tomorrow, when you walk into church, there’s nothing but sinners.  There aren’t some really holy folks and some really terrible evil people.  There’s just sinners.  Which means you fit right in.

The truth is, church is a place for people who have made mistakes.  Church is a place for people who regret things they’ve done in the past week.  Church is where you go when you’re barely holding on.

But here’s the thing about feeling like you’re barely holding on, like you’re barely pulling it off…that isn’t something to be ashamed of.  In a boxing match, when they ring the bell to end one round and boxer dude gets a break, he staggers over to his coaching people, to his corner, with blood all over him, barely able to see straight.  He’s barely holding on, and his people aren’t looking down on him for it.  They understand: he just got the crap beat out of him.  That’s what boxing is.

Well, see, when you show up for church, that’s your break from the boxing match of your life.  That’s your corner, where your coaches are waiting to give you rest, encouragement, strategy, and everything you need to go another round.  You might feel like you’re hanging by a thread, but, baby, you’re there.  Sure, you took some blows to the face.  And we’ll figure out how to keep our guard up a little better for next week.  But you made it through the round, and that’s the victory.

So hold your head high.  Walk through those doors knowing that you fit right in, and that this time is there to equip you, strengthen you, and give you what you need to go another round trading blows with the devil and the world.  You might walk through those doors bloody and bruised, but if you’re walking through them, you’re a champion all the same.

mzempel asked you:
Dear Jed, There are a few people that I work with in our ministry that I find extremely frustrating. From my perspective, they make well-meaning but foolish choices, and I’m usually the one who has to clean up the mess. On top of that, I’m also the PK. On one hand, I want to point out that we don’t get along b/c they make my life, and job, unnecessarily difficult through their foolishness. But on the other hand, I know I’m responsible take the high road and minister to them. How do I get there?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey my friend,

You know, I’m a PK, too.  And, when you’re a preacher’s kid, at least for me, there’s this sense of feeling like you’re always held to a higher standard, whether you want to be or not.  And it feels so unfair.  Everybody else gets to have fun and make mistakes and try things and do things.  And then there’s you.  You have to get everything right all the time.  And that sucks.  And, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

So, let’s take the focus off of your ministerial co-workers for a minute, and just talk about you.  On behalf of preacher’s kids everywhere, I hereby give you permission to relax, and be yourself.

My friend, you don’t have to get everything right all the time.  You don’t have to, and you’re not gonna.  Regardless of the expectations that have been placed on you by yourself and others, you are not perfect, and you are not going to be perfect, this side of eternity.

You are going to make mistakes.  You are going to make messes.  You are going to screw things up and let people down.  You are going to do all of those things because you are human.  The best that you can do is to relax, be kind to yourself, and remember that God did not make you to be an automaton of correctness.

But that raises a good question.  Why did God make you?  He made you because he couldn’t live with a universe that didn’t include you, and the awesome and unique flavor you bring to his world.  He made you because he loves you.  And he made you worth loving.

The purpose of your life is not to bear responsibilities.  The purpose of your life is to be your Heavenly Dad’s kid.  And kids play.  They have fun.  They run and jump and climb things and get holes in their clothes.  And that’s just right.  You’ll know that you’re getting this life “right” when you are defined by delight and Godly joy. 

I get the sense from your question that there aren’t a lot of things in your life that are just about you being you, and having the freedom to explore the person that God made you.  I’d encourage you to change that. 

Part of changing that is communicating to your earthly Dad, with respect, that you aren’t willing to be the “fixer” for the church.  You can’t spend your life making up for everybody else’s shortcomings.  There just isn’t enough of you to go around.

And, again, part of changing this is having firm boundaries with the people that you work with.  Boundaries are a part of healthy relationships, and your coworkers should know, “It is your responsibility to clean up your messes.”  And then live by that.

But that’s just the beginning, and the less important part.  The more important part?  Find the music that you like, whether anybody else does or not.  Find the movies that you like.  Find the clothes that you like.  If you want to explore the world of fine cigars, do so.  If you want to vote Democrat, do that.  And if you want to take a Sunday morning off, to sleep in and eat pancakes and hang out with you and the Lord, do that.

You are worth loving.  And there’s a life waiting for you that’s worth living.  I’d encourage you to step forward in loving yourself and embracing who God made you, and don’t worry about what the haters say.  God, and this preacher’s kid, have got your back.

rlb2011 asked you:
Hey, what’re you’re thoughts on enforcing rules on people who are in a place of leadership in a ministry setting? (for ex: the leader must be regularly attending church is one that most people think should be enforced, but what about other rules) I know you can’t judge someone’s heart, and I also know that people who are in the place of greatly influencing others and representing Christ should be held to a higher standard, but where is the line?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Sis,

This is a great question.

The Bible is clear that there are requirements for leadership in ministry (1 Timothy chapter 3 is a good example), and that these requirements are in place in order to protect the person (James 3:1), the folks they’re leading (1 John 3:7), and the reputation of the church with people outside of the church (1 Thess 4:11-12).

But, of course, how the “requirements for leadership in ministry” should work in a given situation is not a black-and-white thing.  Even in the Bible, there are moments where Paul makes clear that he’s giving an instruction that he personally thinks is a good idea, but isn’t claiming God’s endorsing it.  (See 1 Corinthians 7:10-12)

And, certainly, the idea of “rules” for people in ministry have been massively abused throughout the history of the Church.  Power corrupts, unfortunately.

So, where does that leave us? 

Rather than worrying about all the ways this can go wrong (which are legion), let me paint a picture of how it works when it goes right.  I would suggest two ideas for your consideration.

First, yes, you are to respect the authority over you in a given church or ministry environment.  However, you should only submit yourself to an authority that has earned your trust and respect.

Let’s say that you are a leader with the college group at your church, and your church has certain expectations of you because of your leadership position.  Fine.  But this can only work properly if the pastor of that church has, in fact, been a pastor to you.  By that, I mean: if the pastor has counseled you personally, has encouraged you personally, has gotten on his knees before God and received wisdom and discernment about the kind of person you were made to be, and has employed that wisdom in order to help guide you into a place of destiny in your life.  During that process, this pastor would have helped you work through fears, doubts, insecurities, old hurts, bad habits, wounds, grievances, and hang-ups.  He would have done this all successfully, of course, or, otherwise, you wouldn’t be ready to be in a place of leadership.

If this person has truly been a pastor to you, then you would hold him in an esteem that would mean submitting to his organizational authority would be a no-brainer.

That’s thing number one.  Thing number two is this:

The requirements for leadership should be based on what the mission requires, and you should wholeheartedly believe in the mission.

The only reason to be in leadership in ministry is because you want to see people get closer to the Lord – because you have a burden in your heart to see hurting people be ministered to and set free.

If that’s the place you’re coming from, you’ll find yourself doing three-quarters of the “requirements” without anyone telling you to do so.  You’ll sense that you need to be credible on your mission field, set a good example, and not present stumbling blocks to the people you love and have a burden for, and you’ll simply do what’s necessary to hook that up.

The stuff that doesn’t occur to you will, of course, come from the leadership that has earned your trust and respect.  And when they explain the rationale for a “rule” and ask you to abide by it, you’re very unlikely to have any problem with it.

And that leads us to a closing thought: you don’t need to settle for less than authority that earned your trust and respect, and a mission that you wholeheartedly believe in.  It’s a big world, and there’s a lot of ministry to be done.  If what you’re trying isn’t firing on both of those cylinders, start looking for something new.  Feel free to message me to talk more details on your specific situation.

Anonymous asked:
Well I was wondering on women in church leadership like being a pastor of a church. I’ve been getting a lot of answers from peeps saying women are not meant to have ‘spiritual authority’ over men.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Sis,

Well, I tell you what: I’m a missionary, so, I tend to look at things from a different vantage-point than a lot of folks in church ministry.  That’s not to say that we disagree on stuff, necessarily, but the ways we conceive of it to begin with might be pretty different. 

I say that to say this: for a lot of folks in church ministry, they start with “the rules” and try and figure out what ministry can exist within them. So, an example.  “A church must have a Sunday morning worship service” is, apparently, some kind of rule.  I’ve been to a heck of a lot of churches, and I’ve never once seen one without a Sunday morning service.  Now, there’s nothing wrong with having a Sunday service, certainly.  If you’re a church pastor and you’ve gone out and met the people in your community, gotten to know them, gotten a feel for their struggles, and decided that a Sunday morning service is a good fit for meeting their needs, then rock on.

But, for many churches, the form comes before the function.  We have a Sunday morning service ‘cause that’s what you do.  And we’ll try to fit some ministry into it as best we’re able, but, for sure, we’re having that service whether anybody wants it or not.

Now, in the missions world, it’s all about figuring out what the mission requires, and doing that.  I’ve done a ton of ministry sitting in bars, because the actors, artists, and musicians I collaborate with on media projects for the least-of-these hang out in bars.  It fits the mission, so that’s what we do.

This brings us to you.  God has a mission for you.  And a destiny for your life.  The way to begin to discover it is to ask the Lord to burden your heart for folks who are lost and hurting, and apply yourself to meeting their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

What will not work very well is saying, “OK, God can call me to anything that has a Sunday morning service and where I don’t have spiritual authority over men.  Given that, God, what do you have for me?”

God’s pretty insistent on being God, and doing and saying as he sees fit.  (I believe it’s one of the perks of the job.)  God can call anyone to anything.  And he often does.

I can certainly tell you that God has put women in leadership positions before.  Deborah saved Israel’s bacon.  (Read Judges chapters 4 and 5.)  Does that run afoul of 1 Timothy 2:12 (the verse those folks are quoting to you)?   Hmmm.  Maybe the verse that says, “Who are you, oh man, to talk back to your God?” applies.   God’s pretty insistent on his being-in-charge, and our having-a-unique-calling.  It’s like Jesus said: “What is that to you?  You must follow me.” (John 21:22)

The important thing, sis, is to get in the motion of serving the lost and hurting people for whom the Lord gives you a burden.  Everything else will flow out of that.  

kaylawebb asked you:
I’m a part of Cru at my university, and a member of the leadership team within Cru. Within the past couple of weeks I’ve realized that I’m not being spiritually fed like I feel like I should be, and I’d really prefer to find a church to attend rather than a campus ministry. However, I feel obligated to stay with Cru because I’m part of the leadership team. I’ve prayed about it a lot, but I’m not really sure where to go from here. Do you have any advice?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Kayla,

Thanks for your question.

It sounds like you’re feeling a sense of responsibility to serve out your term with the leadership term.  And I hear that.  The thing is that our commitments, obligations, and responsibilities have a pecking order to them.

So, for example, in my life, here is the priority scale:

My God
My Wife
My Boss

I want to do right by each of them, but, if something has to give, I do what God wants first, what my wife wants within that, and then what my boss wants within that.

I mention that because the same is true for you.  There’s a priority scale in your life (or, there should be) and the first item on that list is God, and your relationship with him.

That trumps everything else.  You have a responsibility before God to find a place where you’re getting fed sufficiently, and, if Cru isn’t that place, then we need to go somewhere else.

Sure, if you get plugged into a local church and are getting fed and everything’s great - and there’s time left over to help out with Cru, great!  But if not, they gots to go.

Something a lot of young people struggle with is this sense of, “But I gave my word!”  Yes, generally speaking, it is good to do the things you have agreed to do.  No question.  But, within that, it’s important for us to be cognizant that things come up.  God forbid, but, lets say you suddenly came down with a dread disease and needed to be in the hospital for the next six months.  Well, Cru would have to motor on without you.  Something came up, and you wouldn’t need to feel any sense of guilt about that.  The same is true with this situation.

This leads us to one more thing.  I’m guessing that part of what you’re struggling with is that, just maybe, Cru sucks this year.  I was involved with Cru in college, and I’m very aware that it varies substantially year-to-year.  Some years are amazing.  Some years…not so much.  And that makes sense: new staff come on board.  Last year’s seniors graduate and leave.  And, for better or worse, things change.

If Cru has begun sucking, it’s OK to move on.  Despite the Cru culture, you are not a Campus Crusade staff person, and you don’t actually owe them anything.  It’s ok to say, “Alright people, it’s been real, but I’m out.”

For dang sure, find a place where you are getting fed spiritually and plug in there.  That you do have a responsibility to do.  But, past that, find some things that rock, and get involved with those.  It’s a big world and it’s meant to be explored.

Anonymous asked:
I was taken advantage of in previous relationship and he forcefully took my virginity from me, without my consent. I am now in a much healthier relationship with a delightful man of God. However, whenever we are being intimate, (nothing risque or serious) something in me sets off a trigger to my previous relationship and I start crying uncontrollably. I am concerned that this will be an issue within my future marriage/relationships. I have a ton of God-focused women I can confide in, however none of them have had to approach these types of emotions. Do you know of any scriptural resources I could look into about learning how to tackle this before it puts a damper on my relationships even more? Or have any other advice? (by the way, my current boyfriend has responded so respectfully and is helping me the best he can)

Jed Brewer replied:

Hi anon.

I’m really sorry that happened to you.  And I’m really glad you’ve made up your mind to tackle it head-on so you can move forward with life and all the amazing stuff God has in store for you.  That’s the right attitude, and I’m proud of you.

I’d encourage you to look into getting some counseling.  You need to be able to talk about your experience as a part of moving past it, and, in this case, that needs to be with someone who has some training.

Check if your town has a “Community Crisis Center” or a “Crisis Counseling Center” or a “Crisis Pregnancy Center”.  (Those are generally different names for the same thing.)  If they have that, the center is likely to offer free-or-very-low-cost professional counseling, and to offer it anonymously.

If your town doesn’t have that, ask your pastor or youth pastor if he can refer you to a Christian counselor.

You have a bright future before you, sis.  My wife and I are praying for you.

Anonymous asked:
I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I’m fairly new at my church (2yrs), and I absolutely love it there. Everyone is encouraging and full of love for each other. Despite this I’m finding life a struggle right now and feel like I’m a bit stuck with God. The pastors at church have offered me help, as have some other Christian friends, but I’m scared to tell them what’s wrong. I’ve been struggling with PTSD due to sexual assault for quite a few years now, and finding everyday things more difficult right now. I’m not sure how to ask for help. Also, all my pastors are male, and that makes things trickier. Any advice please?

Jed Brewer replied:

Thanks for your question, anon.

My wife, Hallie, is an Iraq war veteran and former Army officer, and as such, she’s been trained, briefed, and otherwise oriented out-the-wazoo about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and how to help folks who are struggling with it.

There are two things to consider with PTSD.  The first is we want to note that this is a formal, clinical diagnosis.  In other words, we will want to talk to a counselor and let them tell us if what we’re dealing with is PTSD or something else.  This is important because of the second thing.

The second thing is that there are various degrees of PTSD, and the treatment options that would be appropriate depend upon the level of PTSD with which we are dealing.  In the military, there is a scale that ranges from “combat stress” all the way up to full-blown PTSD.  The same thing is true in the civilian world.

What all of this means is that you’ll want to find a qualified counselor and sit down with them.  Even you’ve done that in the past, it’d be a good idea to do it again.  PTSD is not a static condition, and, if you were diagnosed with it some years ago, where you are at now could well be different from where you were then. A good counselor will be able to give you some next-steps appropriate to where you’re at today.

I’d suggest looking for a community crisis center in your area.  Here in Chicago, we have some wonderful centers that offer free, on-site, anonymous counseling.

This brings us to your church. I am sure that your church really does want to help.  But – and this is important – they’re going to need you to inform them of how to help you.

A big part of the Army’s training on PTSD has to do with how the friends and family of a PTSD-sufferer should behave towards that person.  Two classic blunders that friends and family make are either trying to “fix” the person - “Sally, I tell you, you oughta just read the Bible and pray!  That’ll do it!” or blaming the victim for the way they’ve handled the situation – “Sally, how come you didn’t XYZ?!  Why, if it were me, I would’ve done ABC!”

Unfortunately, both of those are errors that well-intentioned church people are likely to make.  If you’ll sit down with a counselor, that person will have resources for training your church friends on how to effectively support you.

The pastors at your church will need to be trained, too.  Part of my job is training pastors on ministry methodologies, and, I can tell you that this – PTSD linked to sexual assault – is outside of what most church pastors feel equipped to handle.  I can pretty much guarantee that the pastors at your church love you and want to help you, but you’ll need those same training resources for them, too.

Let’s mention one more thing.  You said that the pastors are male, and that that makes things tricky.  Totally hear ya, totally understand.  I would recommend that, after you sit down with a crisis counselor, you sit down with one of the pastor’s wives.  I’ll tell you a secret: most pastor’s wives are more on-the-ball than the pastor. (Don’t tell anyone I told you that!)  A pastor’s wife is more likely to know how to be cool about things, and the idea that there are some do’s-and-don’ts that the church needs to be aware of will make total sense to her. 

Lastly, I’m praying for you.  I’m proud of your courage in facing this head-on.  That’s the only way to move past it.  Don’t be discouraged, and don’t be shy about hitting my ask box.

Do you remember how you felt the moment they told you that they didn’t want your kind in church?  That you were too loud.  Or asked too many questions. Or listened to the wrong kind of music.  Or had the wrong kind of friends.

I remember.  “God is really disappointed with you. I don’t see how you can even be a Christian.”  That’s what they told me.

Words hurt.

In that moment, I figured they must know what they were talking about – hell, I kinda knew I was a screw-up.

The thing that didn’t occur to me to ask is: what if God is pissed?

It occurred to Jesus.  He said, “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.”

If you’re mad at all the people in church that hurt you, know this: you ain’t alone.   

God stands with you.  And He is pissed.

Jed Brewer - I’m Sorry They Hurt You