How do you get over a break up? and fast… know it there’s no way around it but it’s really really hard, especially that 1. It’s my fault and i tried to make it up to him but he can’t decide if he’ll give me a second chance and 2. i have to see him and be civil with him since we work together.
Although I think its for the best because whenever im with him i always felt insecure and pressure d to be this girl that everyone would envy (so i have to be always pretty, funny etc. and it sucks) but I couldn’t get over the fact that now he’s single, he’s gonna party and pick up girls and do single guys stuff and it’s gonna hurt real bad because it’s like nothing happened.
I’m struggling and i just want to be okay.
Jed Brewer replied:
Thanks for your note. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.
Breaking-up sucks. It hurts. For me, it always made me feel like I was on the verge of throwing up. It was awful.
But, then, slowly, that sick-to-my-stomach feeling began to recede. That panic started to fade. And, instead of the white-hot misery, I was left with the lonely question, “What now?”
There’s an old saying, and it goes, “Nothing gets you over the last one, like the next one.”
That saying is true, it turns out. And, to answer your question of ‘how to get over a breakup fast’, the easy answer is to hop into a relationship with someone new.
That’s not to say this is a smart approach, or that, in the long term, you’ll be glad you did it. But, it will, functionally, get you over the broken-heartedness of a tough breakup very quickly.
But let’s look at something else, at least for a moment. You said that the break-up is your fault. Without knowing the details, I can’t know how true that is, but let’s say you’re right.
Let’s say that you had something really amazing, and beautiful, and you blew it. (Again, I don’t know that that’s the case, but, for purposes of argument, let’s say it is.) In that case, I’d like to encourage you to not ‘get over you breakup and quickly’. Instead, I’d like to encourage you to do the thing that will get you to somewhere awesome in your life:
Look your mistake in the eye, figure out what led you to it, and figure out how to live differently in the future.
I work, in my day job, with men and women coming out of drug addiction. And they have, in general, made some awful mistakes, and treated the people in their lives terribly. And then they come to a place – at least briefly – of sobriety.
And before them, in that moment, is a heap of wreckage – the shattered memories of all the relationships they have destroyed.
Some folks, faced with that truth, immediately go back to their drug-of-choice in order to dull the ache.
Some try to pretend nothing bad ever happened, and live for as long as possible in a haze of denial.
But those courageous men and women who truly overcome their addiction and go on to lead beautiful lives do something else. They open their eyes wide, and take in the vastness of what has happened, and what their actions have caused, and then ask, “What led me to behave this way?”
That same choice is before you. Let’s say, just as an example, that you cheated on your boyfriend – that you went off and made out with some other guy, and he discovered it, and broke up with you.
Well, one option – I guess – might be that you’re just an awful person who does awful things. But that’s pretty much never true. The other option is that there are thoughts, fears, attitudes, and insecurities that led you down a path where this seemed like a good idea. Sure, ultimately, you chose to do something wrong, and the responsibility for that rests with you. But what if there are things in your brain that helped you get there?
So, for example, what if your ex-boyfriend treated you really well, and, on some level, you felt like you didn’t deserve that good treatment. That, sooner or later, he’d figure out you were no good, and he’d move on. And, so, maybe, in your brain, there was the feeling that cheating on him would help to move that process along, and we’d reach the inevitable much more quickly, and we’d all be better off.
Well, see, if that’s the case – and this is called ‘sabotage behavior’ – then what we’ve discovered, by staring this in the eye, is that the real struggle for you is self-image. That a negative self-image led you to a place of feeling inadequate in a good relationship, and those feelings of inadequacy led you to find a way to end that relationship.
Then, what we need is to address is that negative self-image. We need to declare war on it, get a pastor or mentor involved, and figure out how to change it.
Because, if we do, there is an amazing life waiting. And, if we don’t, we will do these same things again – it’s just a matter of time.
You can get over your breakup quickly by getting into another relationship. But, sis, before you do that, let me encourage you to look at this break up, to look at your part in it, and figure out how you got there. To take responsibility for your actions, and figure out what led you to them. And to decide to think and live differently in the future, so you can have different – and better – results.
You can do that. It takes courage, but you already have that, or you wouldn’t have written me this note. Don’t stop now. Face this down, and an amazing life awaits.