shinebright88 asked you:
Hey Jed! First of all, I LOVE your blog. It always covers a topic that I’m wondering about. 10 months ago, I realized that I had more than friends” feelings for my best guy friend. Since then, i’ve gone through a thousand different emotions. He hasn’t made any comments about it, so i assume he just wants to be friends. He’s the most Godly man I know, and I admire him a lot. He puts his relationship with God above everything else, and I don’t want to be “that girl” who messes that up. Any advice?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Sis,

Thanks so much for the kind words on the blog!

My sister, I think you should go read the book of Ruth.  She was a Godly woman who set her eyes on a Godly man and decided it was go time.  And she wasn’t subtle about it.  And it worked.  And it was awesome.  And she became Jesus’ great-great-great-great Grandma.

I think you may need to pull a Ruth.  Your friend’s a Godly dude.  And that’s what you dig about him.  Awesome.  The only problem is that you say, “He hasn’t made any comments…so I assume he just wants to be friends.” 

Here’s the thing: I am a dude.  And on behalf of dude’s everywhere, we are really, REALLY thick-headed.  I mean, dang.  Subtlety is lost on us.  Like you wouldn’t believe.  We need people – and especially ladies – to be shockingly direct, or we just will not get it.

So gather your courage, and be direct.  Do what Ruth did.  I have a hunch you’ll like the results a whole lot.

Anonymous asked:
I’ve had a purity ring on for a few years now, but a week ago I broke the rules of staying pure until marriage (I am still a virgin though). Not really rules, but I guess it’s more of a promise with God. Does that mean I have to take the ring off? I feel ashamed and guilty. I know God would forgive me though, is this the devil tempting me to feel this way? What should I do?

Jed Brewer replied:

Darling, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.  Shame and guilt are terrible things.

In moments like this, it’s easy to feel so let down, and disappointed in ourselves, and to feel like God must be disappointed, too.  I’ve felt that way.  But the truth is: he’s not.  God isn’t disappointed because he knew what he was getting into when he chose you.  He knew you’d struggle and stumble and mess up, and he loved you and chose you anyway.  In fact, Psalm 139:16 says that God saw every single day of your life before you’d lived any of them. 

So, if God isn’t disappointed in you, if God knew you were a sinner and chose you and loved you anyway, what does that suggest?  I think it suggests that the guilt and shame, no matter how spiritual they feel, aren’t coming from God.

If we turn to the Bible, we find out that’s 100% true.  Check this out:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1, NIV)  See, guilt is a status.  It’s an attempt to tell you where you stand.  And what God is saying is that, no matter what, your status is safe in Jesus.  You’re on good terms with God, always, because of what Jesus did on the cross.

And that shame?  Shame is an attack on your identity.  It’s telling you that you’re just a nasty little worm.  And, dang, darling, God does NOT agree with that.  God says that you’re his *child* (1 John 3:1).  God says that you’re a precious treasure (Matthew 13:44).  Make no mistake, God is crazy about you.

Now, then, I don’t know who told you that you needed to make some sort of promise or deal or arrangement with God where you pledge to be “sexually pure”, but I have the sneaking suspicion that they didn’t bother to consult God on whether or not it was a good idea.  (Read Luke 11:46 to see how Jesus felt about people making up “extra stuff” for us to do to keep God happy.  (Preview: He was really, really not a fan.))

The truth is that we’re all sinners.  All of us.  Every single one.  (Including in our sexuality.)  Jesus said that if you lusted it was as sinful as committing adultery, and if you show me a person who’s never lusted, I’ll show you a person who’s struggling with lying.

So where do we go from here?  Wear that purity ring.  Wear it proudly.  But don’t wear it because your good behavior makes you pure.  It doesn’t.  Wear it because Jesus’ death on the cross makes you pure.  Wear it because God loved you so much that he paid every price and bore every burden so that he could lift you out of the mess of your life and save you and give you a new life in him and a purity and holiness that comes from him.  Wear it, and, whenever you see it on your finger, let it remind you that God took your mistakes and shortcomings and washed them away and made you pure as the driven snow (Isaiah 1:18).  Because that’s exactly what He has done. 

Anonymous asked:
Hi,I was in a relationship a while ago. He hurt me a lot, and wouldn’t speak to me afterwards to get any sort of closure from it, like none at all. I had to find it on my own. I’ve decided to try to let go of the anger and to forgive him and myself for any mistakes. Now, I’m in a constant fear and anxiety of going back to that same place of hurt. And now, it has become difficult to remember all the ways he hurt me and it makes me have a harder time moving forward.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Anon,

First, before anything, I’m really sorry you’re hurting.  I’m sorry that your heart got broken, and I’m sorry the guy you were with handled things the way he did.  For what it’s worth, that really sucks.

What I think I hear you saying is that you went through a terrible period of suffering, and you feel almost a panic about making sure that it never happens again, but, you’re not sure what you can do to keep history from repeating itself.

I don’t know the details of what you experienced, but, what you’re describing is consistent with what people experience when they go through a trauma.  In other words, at least for you – internally - it sounds like this experience went way beyond a broken heart, into something debilitating.  And we need to figure out why.

When I was in high school, I dated a gal for maybe a month and a half, and then she broke things off.  And that messed me up – bad – for more than a year.  Our relationship hadn’t been all that hot and heavy, but the end of it just plain crushed me.  And I had friends who, at a certain point, started to say, “Dude, what’s going on here?  Why can’t you move on?”

What it took me a very long time to realize is that I didn’t feel loved or wanted by my family.  (And, of course, I didn’t have any kind of walk with the Lord.)  So, this dating relationship was the one place in my life where I experienced being loved.  Thus, when it ended, I was cast into a purgatory of feeling completely unloved and unwanted, in life as a whole.  That’s why I felt crushed, and why I just couldn’t move on.

I tell you that story to mention that what would have been a run-of-the-mill break-up to anybody else (and it certainly was to her) was devastating to me.  And it was devastating because of other things in my life that I wasn’t aware of at the time.

For you, sis, it sounds like you may be dealing with something similar.  Again, the feeling of panic that we have to make sure “this never happens again” is generally something people feel as a response to life-and-death events.  So, what that suggests is that, to you, this breakup was life-and-death. 

There’s a reason you feel that way, and I’d encourage you to find an older Christian mentor or pastor and start talking things out.  Because, unfortunately, if we don’t fix whatever underlying problem is causing us to feel traumatized, the terrible thing is very likely to happen again.  And that’s no good.

The good news, anon, is that, whatever the underlying problem is, it’s fixable.  And fixing that problem will take you from a place of being victimized to a place of being able to enjoy blessings in your life. 

Make it a point to find that older Christian you can keep it real with.  Share your story with them and ask them to help you figure out what’s driving the hurt on this.  The hard work will be worth it.

Keep in touch.  I’m praying for you.

If you read one article - ever - about dating as a Christian, it should be this one.  Check it and spread the word!

unkaglen:

Let’s face it, dating is a modern cultural phenomenon. The Bible doesn’t say anything about it, because dating as we know it today didn’t exist back then. So can we still apply the Bible to the modern cultural phenomenon of dating? You bet. But it won’t work to try and rewrite the rules of dating…

Quick Intro:
In this series, we’re taking a look at the way God designed sex to work within marriage, and how awesome it is.  We’re specifically looking at a book in the Bible called “Song of Solomon”, which comes right before Isaiah.  The whole book is about how great sex is within marriage.  In fact, it’s an explicit conversation between a husband and wife.  Seriously – check it out.

Today: The Total Package!

Alright, my friends.  We’re about to put the secular world to shame.  This is from Song of Solomon, and, in this passage, the husband is talking about his wife:

“Body and soul, you are paradise,
   a whole orchard of succulent fruits.” (c.f. Song of Solomon 4:8-15, MSG)

A stand up comic once said, “I don’t care how gorgeous a woman is, somewhere on earth, there’s a guy that’s sick of putting up with her nonsense.”  (He may have used a word other than “nonsense.”)

But his point is well taken.  They say that beauty is only skin deep, and, in a worldly sense, that could not be more true.

The awful reality is that physical beauty – or a lack of it – is a weird handicap in every direction in the dating world.  Folks who don’t have the greatest looks are ignored, whether they’re amazing people or not.  And folks who have striking features and fast metabolisms are generally deluged with attention from people who just want something out of them.  And neither situation is good.

The secular world has so reduced romance and sexuality to something physical that people routinely have sex with people they don’t even like.  A non-Christian friend of mine once reported that he wound up on a date with a woman he couldn’t stand, so he decided to try and get her into bed as a way of making up for a crappy evening.

As it turns out, this is nothing to shoot for.  All we have here is a pool of people judging each other on appearances, and then using each other to scratch an itch.  Nothing could be more sad, and nothing could be less satisfying.

But, in a Christian marriage, what we see is your spouse beholding both your physical body and your spiritual self, and digging all of it.

The husband in this passage is clearly entranced by his wife’s beauty (just read everything that comes before this verse).  But he is turned on by her personhood – her soul – just as much.

Now, we’ve all heard the bland and terrible phrase, “She has a nice personality.”  But that isn’t what’s being said here.

The husband is saying that both her physicality and spirituality are overflowing with awesomeness.  Yes, altogether, she is a paradise, but that paradise is composed of detail after detail after detail (an orchard has many trees in it!), and that every bit of it is being tasted and savored and explored.  He is as turned on by her kindness as he is by her curves.

To the husband in this passage, sex isn’t about scratching an itch.  And it isn’t about celebrating his wife’s physical beauty – not solely.  No, to the husband, sex with his wife is a celebration of all of her – mind, body, and spirit.

Here’s why this matters.  You will be physically attracted to your spouse, yes, but God wants to give you the total package.  God wants to give you a spouse who excites you and turns you on with their heart as well as their body.

And that means that it only gets better.  As you grow as a Christian, your personhood grows richer, and deeper, and more amazing.  You’re becoming who you really are.  And, to your spouse, all of that is more and more of a turn-on.

In the secular world, when two people hook up, you can start the timer until they’re bored with each other, and they move on.  But in God’s plan, there is always more to discover in your spouse, and your marriage, and your sexuality.  There is always more to savor and to celebrate.  Yes, age and physical decline happen to us all.  But God wants to give you a marriage where, wrinkles or no, your spouse sees you ministering to a person going through a hard time and gets that look in their eye of, “My, my, my.  Just wait till I get you home.”

This is sexuality that only gets better. My friends, that’s what God wants for you. It’s what awaits you, and it’s worth waiting for.

Want to give dating advice?  Need to give dating advice?  Afraid you don’t know what to say?  Check this post!

thebridgechicago:

Anonymous asked: My friends talk to me about their relationship problems a lot. I want to give them advice, especially if something bad is going on in the relationship. The thing is, I don’t have much dating experience. So should I just not say anything? I want to help!

I answered: If you…

morethanjustlaceandaprettyface asked you:
I know this is going to be a really trivial question but I wanted your opinion. I attend church but just last year I started attending an under 30’s bible study and got to know the young people from my church a lot more than before. I feel that I like this one boy however he is the ministers son and although I wouldn’t consider myself unpure I’ve had a few boyfriends and I think he would probably see me as like unpure and not the ideal christian girl. do you think this would be true?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hi Tracy,

My friend, I’m glad you asked, because this is not at all a trivial question.

If you are a Christian – and, thus, Jesus has paid for your sins – then you are not unpure, impure, nonpure, or anything else.  You are 100% completely new, pure, and set apart.  Period.  The end.  (See 2 Corinthians 5:17.)

In regards to dating and relationships, there is a lot of nonsense circulating in Christian culture right now, and I’m betting you’ve heard a certain amount of it.  There are people who will tell you that, with every romantic relationship you have – sexual or not – you are “giving away a piece of yourself” that you can’t ever get back.  And so, the more relationships you’ve had, the less of “you” is left to give to your future husband.

This is wrong.  Not a little wrong.  Not partially wrong.  No, this is all the way, completely and unequivocally wrong.  Holy cow.

The truth, Tracy, is that being a Christian is all about being who you really are.  It’s about living into the you that God created.  So, the longer you walk with the Lord, and the closer your relationship with God becomes, the more you have to give to a husband, regardless of whatever past you’ve had.

Here’s why I bring that up.  There are “Christian” guys out there that don’t want anything to do with a girl who’s had a checkered dating history.  Here in the states, there’s a well-known Christian speaker who has said publicly that he was terrified by the thought that his wife wouldn’t be a virgin, and that he might not have married her if she wasn’t. 

Well, dang.  That guy sucks!

You, my dear sister, don’t want anything to do with a guy like that.  And I’ll tell you why.  Aside from pointing to huge, unresolved hang-ups with his own sexuality, this reveals a person with major, major problems in his walk.

Jesus said, “He who has been forgiven little, loves little.  He who has been forgiven much, loves much.”  (See Luke 7:47)  When you realize that God has shown you infinite, undeserved, impossible grace, you don’t go around judging the past mistakes of others.  But, when you think you’re mostly squared away on your own, you feel free to look down on others.

The kind of man you want is a man who knows how much he has been forgiven and delivered from.  You want a man who is defined by the grace that God has shown him.  That kind of man will have something amazing: understanding.

An understanding man will look at your past and know that you came by all of it honestly.  He will know that, whatever mistakes you made, they seemed like a good idea at the time.  In fact, from a certain perspective, they seemed like the only real choice before you at the time.  He will know that those mistakes didn’t say anything about you then, and they don’t say anything about you today.  He will know that, if he didn’t make the same mistakes in his own past, it’s only by the grace of God.

Lastly, the man you want will be concerned about your future, not your past.  Marriage is about building a life together and serving the Lord through that team.  That’s all about the future, my sister.  In fact, it’s just like what Paul said in Philippians 3: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal.” (Phil 3:13-14, NIV)

So, whether it’s the minister’s son or anybody else, approach that man with confidence.  You’re a daughter of God who’s sins are paid for, and who’s future is unbelievably amazing.  And any man with any sense would be lucky to get to share it with you.

A friend told me recently that she had prayed about whether this one one guy - you know, the awesome, handsome one that leads worship and everything - whether the Lord wanted to see something happen between the two of them.

And, despite it breaking her heart, my friend felt like the Lord was saying, “No.”

That leads us to this difficult question: why on earth would God say no to that?!

Let me tell you a story.

When I was little, there was this group called “The Publisher’s Clearinghouse” that ran a sweepstakes-by-mail where they claimed you could win millions of dollars, as a come-on to get you to buy magazine subscriptions.

I must have been 5 or 6, and one of their signature envelopes showed up in our mailbox, emblazoned with the words, “You may have already won Ten Million Dollars!!”

I saw that envelope, grabbed it, and sprinted into the house, shouting, “Daddy!  Daddy!  We won Ten Bajillion Dollars!!!”

I was so excited. This was an amazing revelation!

My Dad smiled, took the envelope, and slowly explained that, sometimes, things look one way, when they’re really another.  Sometimes what looks like the best of financial news is just a con to sell you a year of Good Housekeeping.  And sometimes people that seem dreamy are anything but.

As I grew up, it took me a long time to realize that, if my dream girl was sitting right next to me, I might not realize it.  What I was looking for, and what would actually be good for me, were, for a long time, two very different things.

Earlier tonight, I was having dinner with a friend, and there was a waitress circulating through the restaurant, turning the heads of nearly every guy in the room.  As a married man with an amazing wife, I just chuckled.

Part of my job as a missionary is having the ability to read body language and nonverbal cues.  Now, for all the single guys in the restaurant, this young lady was a comely, attractive gal that they couldn’t wait to get to know better.  But, with a little bit of perspective, I could look at the way she carried herself and know this was a person with deep-seated insecurities, who would drive a guy crazy (and not in a good way).

If those guys in the restaurant had asked me: “Is this a good idea”, I would have said no.  

And that brings us back to God.  Often times, when God tells us, “No, child, that is not a good idea,” it’s precisely because he can see things that we can’t.

This knowledge doesn’t make that moment less disappointing, but it does suggest a strategy to deal with it: asking the Lord for wisdom, to see things from his perspective.

See, God wants to give us good gifts, including relationally, but he wants to give us the gifts that are right for us.  It takes real wisdom to begin to have a sense of what good-for-you would look like, but here’s just an example…

Perhaps the dreamy worship leader is sincere and passionate, but, when it comes down to making hard choices to sacrifice for the Kingdom, he’s seriously lacking in courage.  Well, now, for my hardcore sisters in Christ, a man without courage shouldn’t be a consideration.  They’re prepared to follow where Jesus leads, and they deserve a man who can live that out!

Well, then, in this example, we’d need wisdom from the Lord on, “How do I find a man who’s courageous?”  And we might find the Lord suggesting that we look in unlikely places, like the volunteers at the jailhouse, and the staff at the homeless shelter.  Maybe we’re looking for a guy that makes the nice, sincere people at church very slightly uncomfortable.  Cause maybe that’s a good sign that he’s willing to make harder choices - and be more courageous - than most.

And, maybe, as we get wisdom from the Lord on what we’re looking for, and we track down that kinda guy, and we go back to the Lord, and ask, “Is this a good idea”, maybe, just maybe, we hear our Father say, “It’s the exact right idea.”

guidetheblind asked you:
My friend just got her first boyfriend. They’re both self-professed Christians. They shared their first kiss. I always thought he was a nice guy, but the more she tells me about him, the more I start to not like him as much. She just told me that he said to her that he wants to have sex with her. She’s come to me for help. I think she should get out NOW. But she really likes him, and says that she’s never felt this way about a guy before.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey sis,

Well, here we have the age-old problem of perspective.  You’re able to see something clearly that your friend who’s down-in-it is having a much harder time realizing.

If I can read between the lines of what you’re saying, I’m hearing that we have a dude that, at first glance, seems nice enough and Christian and everything.  But, behind closed doors, he starts acting more and more like a tool.  He doesn’t want to respect the boundaries of the person he’s with, which is a major problem, but now your friend has an emotional investment that clouds the issue.

Well, look, of course, sex outside of marriage is not God’s plan, and I think we’re all clear on that.  And, if a person can’t respect your boundaries, you shouldn’t be with them.  And, if you can’t set and keep boundaries yourself, you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. 

But none of that is the critical issue, and that’s because of the last thing you said: “she’s never felt this way about a guy before.”

One of the things about being human is that we want our emotions to define reality for us.  The problem is that they can’t. 

If you go to a casino, you’ll see dozens of gambling addicts, about to lose their shirt, who are convinced to the core of their soul that this next hand of blackjack, this next spin on the roulette wheel, or this next roll of the dice at the craps table is going to turn everything around.  You can remind them of all the times they’ve lost the rent check doing this, explain to them the mathematical certainty that they will lose, exhort them that their wife will leave them if it ever happens again, but none of that will make any difference.  Because, in their heart, this time is different.  They can feel it.

I mention that to mention this: the hard decision before your friend is not one of right versus wrong, of premarital sex versus chastity.  The hard decision is going with emotion versus going with what you know to be true.

The truth, sis, is that your friend is almost certain to go with emotion, sleep with a guy she shouldn’t, and get her heart broken.  I hope I’m wrong about that, but that’s the likely outcome.  In truth, I’m guessing she’s already made her choice on this, and may have done far more with her boyfriend than she’s letting on to you.

It’s important for you to know that it isn’t on you to fix this situation.  That’s out of your hands.  What you can do now is to make sure your friend knows that you love her, even if she makes really dumb decisions.  To make sure that she knows that you aren’t judging on her today, and that you won’t be at any point down the road, either.

You’ll want to make sure your friend knows that because the good news is that there is life after this bad relationship.  There will come a point where your friend will be ready for something new, and that’s when we want to encourage her about what we do moving forward.  And here’s what we do moving forward:

• Pray about and set what my emotional, relational, financial, and sexual boundaries are now, while I’m not in a relationship.
• Pray about and decide now what a dealbreaker is in a relationship with a future guy.  (Hint: Him pressuring me into sex should be on that list.)
• Pray about and decide now what the exit strategy is going to be if I’m with a guy who violates my boundaries or crosses a dealbreaker line.  In other words: what’s my plan for breaking it off?  How do I practically do that?

Relationships are for grown folks.  And grown folks don’t let their emotions tell them what to do.  Unfortunately, the path to being grown often involves some avoidable heartbreak along the way.  For your friend, she’s lucky to have you ready to walk that next mile with her after that heartbreak has come and gone.

hope-love-trust asked:
Hi Jed, quick question :) Being at uni can be CRAZY but I like to think I’m not really pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. However, I was wondering if you didn’t do that would it be sinning? When I think of myself & other Christians I know, especially on the topic of sex, if they go along with dirty jokes or intense conversations is it wrong? Despite the fact they know within themselves that they haven’t done that stuff? (I hope this question makes sense). Thanks!

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey my friend,

Let me tell you a story.  I was having dinner one night with a very close friend of mine.  And we’re at this Thai restaurant.  And, a few tables over, there’s a guy and a girl, obviously on a date, and the guy is clearly working hard to be impressive.  At one point, he tells his lady friend, “So, this one time, I was in Jamaica, and I had this amazing weed.”

Now, here’s the thing about my very close friend.  They, in their old life, were a drug connoisseur.   My friend has been to Marijuana festivals in Amsterdam, can list off all of the different strains and blends of cannabis they prefer, and knows Burning Man like the back of their hand.  So, when my friend hears somebody talk about being in Jamaica and having this “great weed”, they know that guy has no idea what he’s talking about.  (It’d be like saying, “So, this one time, I was in China and I had this great tea!”)

I told you all that to tell you this: the folks in these conversations, who are carrying on about their sexual exploits and how amazing it all was, don’t know what they’re talking about, either.

These folks don’t know what good sex is, they don’t know what a sexual adventure is, and they don’t know how to hook any of that up, either.

Going to a party or a bar or a club, getting tanked, and convincing a similarly tanked individual to have sex with you does not make you Don Juan, Casanova, or anything else.  The whole point of the alcohol is to lower inhibitions, and the whole point of the event is to capitalize on said lowered inhibitions.  Given that, getting someone into bed with you just isn’t much of an accomplishment.

In the movies, the married people are always envious of the single people, who are running free, and getting their single-person mack on everywhere they go.  In real life, when married people in healthy marriages hear single folks talk about their latest adventure at the club, they just roll their eyes.  And I’ll tell you why.

When a person in a healthy marriage has sex, there is no guilt or shame or fear at any point in the proceedings.  By contrast, when a single person hooks up, they feel fearful they’ll get rejected, ashamed of their appearance, and guilty over what they’ve done.

When a person in a healthy marriage has sex, there is no concern over getting something that would necessitate a trip to the doctor.  But when a single person hooks up, they have to wonder the whole dang time if they’re gonna wake up in a few days with a painful surprise waiting in their pants.

One more.  When a person in a healthy marriage has sex, their spouse cooks it up for them just the way they like it.  It’s custom tailored to their likes and preferences and mood.  And the single-person-hooking-up-at-the-club?  They get whatever that other person feels like doing, which can range from boring to painful to creepy to confusing.

So, back to your original question: is it wrong to be a part of “intense” conversations about sexuality?  Well, let’s ask this instead: is it wrong to want to have intense conversations about sexuality and how to hook it up?  Not at all.  But, sis, find somebody who knows what they’re talking about.  ‘Cause that guy in your dorm who talks a big game?  He ain’t got it, and he can’t help you.  By contrast, that Christian married couple you know that always seems to be on the same page, that serves the Lord together, and laughs together a lot?  They know what’s up.  So ask them.