xxpatchworkxx asked:

On the event of Obama’s statement about the legalization of gay marriage, I’ve been unsure of what the Christian perspective on this is? I am respectful to homosexuals and those who choose to take that path. However, I know God says what they’re doing is a sin. Should homosexuals be legally allowed to get married?

I answered:

Let’s get this out of the way: same-gender sexual intercourse is a sin (Romans 1:26-27), therefore folks who engage in it are sinners.  Now, no one can say I didn’t point that out.

Now, you know who else is a sinner? Everyone! Romans 3:23 says all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Everyone is a sinner and there are no levels of sinner. The good news is that Jesus came to love and redeem sinners; not former sinners, not reformed sinners, not sinners who only engaged in socially acceptable sins, sinners. 

And since the Church is called to love like Jesus did, guess who the church has to be accepting of? Exactly, sinners. I’m glad you are respectful of homosexuals, sadly that is way ahead of some Christians. But we are not called to be respectful of our fellow sinners, we are called to love them. 1 Corinthians 13 says “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God and love others.

What is at issue in President Obama’s announcement is that when Christians hear the word “marriage” they think of it in a Christian context.  The problem is that we live in a society that has all kinds of marriages.  We have Common Law marriages that are recognized legally in many states in America, and where no “vow” has ever been taken.  We have so-called “open” marriages where one or both partners are involved in extra-marital sexual activity, and both partners have signed off on it.  Further, there are many different religious marriages that are non-Christian - Sikh, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Mormon, Jewish, etc.  None of these meet the definition of a Christian marriage, but they are every bit as legally protected. Our society, as an outgrowth of our democratic underpinnings, has, for centuries, honored the desire of two consenting adults to enter into a long-term relationship and call it marriage.  There is, of course, one notable exception - the prohibition of slave marriages in the pre-Civil War South.  As a people, we do not look back kindly on this period.

Further, Christians often fail to understand that the designation of “marriage” is not a ceremonial one.  In the United States, marriage is a legal contract between two consenting adults. With it comes hospital visitation rights, legal protection of financial assets, health insurance coverage, and a host of other considerations.  It would be very difficult to argue that denying any of these rights to a committed adult couple is loving, or that denying them is in some way a defense against same-gender sexual intercourse. 

And, of course, there is the unfortunate reality that some Christians have taken a concern over the implications of gay marriage and the presence of homosexuals in society, and allowed that concern to spiral into something that is definitely *not* loving.  Verbally assaulting homosexuals - shouting that they are wicked and evil - is not loving.  Period.  (How would you like it if people castigated you every time you failed to give 10% of your income to your local church?)  And, it is nothing short of offensive to campaign that it be legal to bully LGBTQ school children.  A Savior who said he would judge the world by how they’d treated the least of these would not be pleased.

Now some might say that we have to defend the word and uphold blah blah blah. If I get married someday, the fact that other consenting adults can enter into a legal agreement will not have the slightest effect on how I love my wife. I will boil this down to the simplest terms. We are called to love, above all else. I see tolerance and equal rights as love. I see exclusion and scapegoating and using human beings for political gain as hate. As a man who believes Jesus will return to this Earth and I will stand before him and give an account (Matthew 12:36, Hebrews 13:17) I am going to choose love.

-Matt from The Bridge

rkffuddl asked you:
What does a relationship centered on God look like?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey my friend,

That’s a great question.  And I’m really glad you asked, because the answer’s really simple, but it isn’t quite what you’d expect.

See, I think that, for a lot of us, when we hear phrases like “a relationship centered on God”, it draws to mind something super-duper spiritual, probably with a lot of words in Greek, and something that we’re pretty sure we couldn’t ever live up to.  I’ve definitely felt that way.

The good news, though, is that Godly relationships are meant for real, normal people who love Jesus.  In fact, being super-duper spiritual would probably get in the way, and you’ll understand why I say that in just a second.

A relationship centered on God is one where the two of you serve the Lord more effectively together – as a team – than you were able to separately.  That’s it.

Now, certainly, living that out involves cultivating and maintaining a close walk with the Lord for both of you individually.  It involves holding each other accountable.  And it involves encouraging each other.  But the sum total – when you put all the pieces together – is that you and beloved are better able to serve Jesus now than you were when you were single.

So how does that work out in real, actual life?  I’ll give you a few examples.

• On Tuesdays, I lead worship for a service focused on the needs of men and women coming out of jail and drug addiction.  My wife is running the soundboard, cueing me on things I need to be aware of (like standing up straight - seriously), and debriefing with me afterwards on what parts worked well, and what parts didn’t, and why.  All of that makes me a massively better worship leader.
• Once a month, my wife is a part of leading a worship service for ladies coming out of addiction, prostitution, and the street lifestyle.  We develop her sermon content together before hand.  Then, I haul and set up equipment while she’s greeting the folks who are showing up for the service.  And, while they’re meeting, I’m holding down security at the door.
• A big part of my job is developing media for ministry applications.  Earlier today, I told my wife that the Lord was putting a really, really big project on my heart.  I knew it was coming from Him, but, dang, I felt like it was too big for me to pull off!  And my wife, without missing a beat, said, “You can do it.  God’s got it.  It’s no problem at all.  And we’ll do it together,” and then proceeded to grab her laptop and begin Googling the practical steps we would need to begin putting together this particular project.

See, in each of these cases, there’s a team element at work.  Sometimes that team element makes things better – as in the case of my worship leading.  Sometimes it makes it easier – as in the case of me hauling equipment.  And sometimes it makes things just plain possible – as in the case of my big huge media project.

But in every case, there’s a level of ministry going on that couldn’t exist without both of us.  And that’s what a relationship focused on God looks like.

I mentioned that being super duper spiritual might get in the way.  The reason why is that a lot of super spiritual people are too important to haul equipment, too sensitive to run a soundboard, and too heavenly-minded to use Google.  And that’s no good.

The truth is that a healthy long-term relationship – including a healthy marriage – involves a shocking amount of practical, roll-up-your-sleeves work, planning, and execution.  Serving the Lord together requires even more of that.

If you’ve got a desire to serve the Lord and keep it real in your life, you’re already pointed in the right direction to have a relationship centered on God.

yousoothemysoul asked you:
I have a question about sex/marriage/God. Is sex REALLY spiritual? I mean yes God created it and I’ve never been married or experienced it before but c’mon…I just don’t understand where God comes in when you’re havin’ a great time with your beloved. How the heck could it possibly be spiritual when all you are doing is thinking about your spouse? There is not way you’d have time to be thinking “wow God, this is so holy”. I just really doubt that. Is this too personal to be asked?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey sis,

This is a great question.  And it’s a question that’s much, much bigger than sex.  I think we need to ask: what makes anything spiritual?

When the Bible talks about something being “spiritual” or “of the spirit”, it’s often in contrast to something related to our “sinful nature” or “the flesh.”  Here’s an example of that:

“The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”  (Galatians 6:8, NIV)

This verse, I think, actually gives a good hint in answering the question of “what makes something spiritual.”  And the hint is to look at who we’re trying to please.

See, because you and I exist in the context of a physical body, everything we do is physical, at least at some level.  When somebody leads worship, their muscles are working hard to keep strumming that guitar.  And that’s a physical thing.  When somebody ladles soup at the soup kitchen, again, it’s a physical action.  When somebody hugs their child, physical.  Even when you pray, the neurons in your brain are firing like all get out, which, it turns out, is a physical phenomenon.

But what makes any of those actions spiritual – in the Biblical sense – is the goal of the act.  That’s what Jesus said:

“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them… When you give to the needy, do not announce it …to be honored by men. When you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” (Matthew 6:1-4, NIV)

This is a crazy idea!  We could do something “good” as a part of trying to hook ourselves up, and God wouldn’t like it one little bit! 

By contrast, check out this verse:

“Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness” (Psalm 141:5)

Here, David is saying that, if he starts to be living in a way he shouldn’t, if he starts to wander away from the Lord, he wants the Godly people he knows to kick his butt.  So, again, something that would normally be a no-no – assault is illegal most places – is absolutely Godly and spiritual if it’s at the right time and for the right reasons.

Ok, so, we could be generous for the wrong reasons, and it wouldn’t be spiritual.  And we could throw down for the right reasons, and it would.  So what does that tell us about sex?

It tells us that sex can be – and is – spiritual when it’s a part of serving the Lord with our lives.  And that’s exactly what the Bible says:

“So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering.” (Romans 12:1, MSG)

So, then: Sex as a one-night-stand because we’re feeling horny?  Not spiritual.  Sex as a part of cultivating and maintaining intimacy with your spouse and giving each other a great stress reliever while you deal with the challenges of following Jesus in the midst of tough circumstances?  Extremely spiritual.

And that leads to a bonus point.  Spiritual things – in the true sense of things that are done as an offering to God – very often do not feel spiritual at all.  Tonight, I hung out with a friend in a rough neighborhood, and, at the restaurant we were at, I was subjected to the most disgusting bathroom in the history of mankind.  Believe me, it did not feel spiritual.  But I was in that place as an offering to a God that was willing to start life-on-earth in a filthy stable.  And nothing could be more spiritual than that.

Anonymous asked:
I know that I’m not supposed to have sex before marraige, but I’m not sure I really understand why. The boy I’m with is christian too, and we try and follow the bible in other ways but with sex- I’m the only one to question it and often say no. His argument is always ‘we’re going to get married anyway so it cant be a problem’. I don’t know how this stands biblically. Can you help me? Thanks Jed, love your blog

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Anon,

Thanks for the kind words – I’m really glad you dig the blog.

Before we go any further, you deserve an apology.  See, you wouldn’t need to ask this question if people who called themselves Christians hadn’t made a total mess of marriage.  If the folks who came before you had lived up to God’s idea of marriage, you’d be able to readily see that sex in a Godly marriage is beautiful and comfortable and passionate and satisfying in ways that it cannot be outside of one.

But I know folks haven’t modeled that for you, and, so, you’re made to wonder what the point in waiting is.  And that isn’t fair to you, and, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

As it turns out, there’s a huge difference between sex as it is commonly practiced in our culture, and sex as God intended it.    In our culture, sex is just bodies.  It’s just two bodies coming together and doing what bodies do.  And, really, outside of the health implications, how is that different from a friend giving you a backrub?  I mean, both sex and backrubs involve your body and giving and receiving pleasure.  And, I suppose if your friend has the flu, you could get sick from the backrub, too.

But here’s what’s missing from that equation: trust, vulnerability, and intimacy.

See, in God’s idea of marriage and sexuality, sex is about far, far more than the body.  Sex is the ultimate human answer to the question, “Here I am – do you really want me?”

I bet that, when you were little, you knew somebody who had a crush on somebody else, and they wrote a note that said, “I like you. Do you like me?  Check one: [ ]yes [ ] no.”  Well, see, we, as humans, don’t ever truly grow out of that.  Romantic relationships are, at their core, the process of revealing more and more of yourself to your beloved and daring to ask, “Do you still want me?”

This process of ever-growing trust, vulnerability, acceptance, and resultant intimacy reaches its peak with sex.  You are, in a literal sense, presenting yourself naked before your spouse, and posing the question, “Here I am completely unguarded.  Will you accept me?”

Well, see, in the context of a Godly marriage, you can pose that question with complete confidence, because you know that the answer will always be, “Heck yes!”

In a Godly marriage, you know that your partner accepts you mind, body, and spirit, and has promised to do whatever is necessary so that that will always be true.  They have promised, “You can trust me, no matter what.”  And that trust gives you the freedom to be utterly vulnerable.  And when we’re vulnerable and accepted, that leads to real intimacy.  And real intimacy that leads to sex (instead of vice versa) is basically the most awesome thing ever.  It is also – I promise – the best sex you can have.

Outside of a Godly marriage – which, unfortunately includes a lot of real-life marriages – you don’t have that promise of unwavering trustworthiness.  You have how I feel about you today, and maybe how I feel about you tomorrow.  And that’s it. 

Well, see, true trust can’t exist in that context.  And without trust, we can’t have real vulnerability.  And without vulnerability, we can’t have real intimacy.  And without real intimacy, all we’ve got is bodies being bodies.

But the problem, Anon, is that, despite what our culture says, our brains can’t accept that sex is just bodies being bodies.  Our brains are convinced that sex goes with intimacy, so, when we have sex, our brains decide that there’s intimacy there, whether there really is or not.  And then things don’t work out - which no one promised they would - and we get really hurt.

So that’s why.  Sex is meant to be both the celebration and the outcome of a lifelong, committed relationship, which is what marriage is.  Sex outside of that is just a pale shadow that, health concerns aside, only sets us up to get our hearts broken.

What’s So Great About Sex? – Vol. 4

Quick Intro:
In this series, we’re taking a look at the way God designed sex to work within marriage, and how awesome it is.  We’re specifically looking at a book in the Bible called “Song of Solomon”, which comes right before Isaiah.  The whole book is about how great sex is within marriage.  In fact, it’s an explicit conversation between a husband and wife.  Seriously – check it out.

Today: Real Excitement!

Trying to play it cool is a torture.  Think about a highlight in your life – maybe it was making the cut for a sports team, or getting an answer right in class, or getting good feedback on a painting you did.  Some part of you, in that moment, is sure that you need to play it cool.  Don’t get too excited.  Just shrug your shoulders and mumble the words, “Whatever”, and that way people will think you’re cool.  We’ve all done that.

Well, see, that’s the way most people approach dating relationships, and especially in regards to sexuality.  You’re supposed to be cool, and play it cool, and not get too excited, and, sure, hey, you know, sex is cool, whatever, if you’re into that.

The problem here is that this playing-it-cool approach takes all of the fun away.  When something awesome happens, allowing yourself to be excited and blown away and overwhelmed is a big part of the experience.  And it’s one God wants for you.  Here’s our passage:

“[The Wife says]

My lover is already on his way to his garden,
   to browse among the flowers, touching the colors and forms.

[The Husband says]

Your beauty is too much for me—I’m in over my head.
   I’m not used to this! I can’t take it in.” (Song of Solomon 6:2-5, various, MSG)

OK, so, when the wife is talking about “his garden”, she’s referring to her body.  So, she’s saying that her husband is coming to, well, explore her body.  Now, note the husband’s response.  He doesn’t say, “Yeah, you know, that’s cool.  Whatever.”  And he doesn’t put on the false bravado of, “Hey, let me show you my moves!”

No, instead, he says, “This is too much.  I’m in over my head.  I can’t even take it all in.”  He’s blown away.

Dude, how awesome, and real, and sweet, and authentic is that?  He’s there with his wife, who is sans clothing, and he’s a kid-in-a-candy-store.  And that’s just right.  He doesn’t need to be smooth.  He doesn’t need to be fashionably disinterested.  He can be honest about the fact that his wife is so beautiful, and alluring, that she reduces him to a simple expression of, “Whoa.  Just…whoa.”

Sex is a beautiful and mysterious thing.  In truth, it should reduce all of us to, “Whoa.”  It is physical, and emotional, and spiritual, all at once.  It is this miraculous moment where love brings two people into a total union and (can) create a wholly new, unique life as the outcome.  To that, I say,  “Whoa.”  And so should you.

But, on a more basic level, when a total hottie (which is how you will see your spouse) stands before you, naked, and says, “I’m all yours; have fun,” the only right response is “Whoa.”  The only fun response is, “Whoa.”  The only Godly response is, “Whoa.”  And anything less is, in fact, an insult to your beloved, as though you’re jaded because everywhere you go, people disrobe and offer themselves to you.  (Hint: they don’t.)

No, that’s no good.  Excitement suits you.

This is what God wants for you.  A sex life that reduces you to “whoa.”  Beauty and seduction and allure that reduces you to “whoa.”  Authenticity where your spouse receives your speechlessness as the highest of praise.  This is what awaits you, and it’s worth waiting for.

As I look through my dashboard here on Tumblr, I see so many of my friends feeling discouraged and beaten down.  Some of them are hating on themselves for the ways their body looks.  Some are tearing themselves apart because they aren’t in a romantic relationship.  And some are feeling wrecked because they are, and it isn’t working.

Particularly when you’re in your teens and early twenties, there are so many difficult things going on around you, and you don’t have a lot of control over many of them, and you can start to wonder, “Will things ever really be good for me?”

As your big brother, let me answer that: yes.

You - yes, you - have gifts, talents, and abilities the world needs.  There is a destiny for your life.  You may not see it yet, but it’s real.  I promise.  God has set the ball on the tee so that you could come into this world and change it.  If you’ll follow the Lord (and I know you will) this world will never be the same because you were in it.  (Ephesians 2:10)

You - yes, you - have a heart and body both that will be incredibly attractive to the right person at the right time.  Actually, let me rephrase that: In God’s time, in God’s way, there’s a person that will behold you - mind, body, and spirit - and think you hang the moon.  They will be blown away by you, entranced, madly in love, and absolutely determined to have you.  And you will get married.  And you will have sex.  And God won’t want you to stop making sweet love to each other as long as you live.  (1 Corinthians 7:5)

You - again, I’m talking about you here - will have a community of people that love you, believe in you, see what you bring to the table, and value you.  You will belong.  Follow the Lord, and he will take you to that place.  You will have fellowship.  You will have real family.  And you will have a closeness that can’t be found any other way.  (Matthew 12:50)

So don’t give up.  I know you’re going through hard stuff today.  Don’t give up.  Keep taking your struggles to God.  Keep getting strength from Him to face them head-on.  And don’t give up.

Your future is so very, very bright.

save-me-and-forgive-me asked you:
Hi, Jed. I loved the blog “What’s So Great About Sex?” and just had to ask your opinion on something. Even after you’ve crossed the line of sex before marriage is it too late for it to be special between you and your future spouse? Or are all the goods just spoiled? Even if you marry a different person.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Amanda,

Glad you enjoyed the post!

This is a great question.  And the answer is that sex with your future spouse will be as special as you allow God to make it, regardless of your past screw-ups, or lack thereof.

Let’s talk about the “lack thereof” option for a second.  I know plenty of Christian married couples who “behaved themselves” before they got married, and didn’t cross any boundaries they weren’t supposed to.  And, unfortunately, some of those marriages have terrible, or non-existent, sex lives.  You might ask yourself: how the heck does that work?

Well, see, there are a lot of Christians who have decided that, in order to be safe, we’ll just consider sex bad.  We won’t do it, think about it, talk about it, or anything else.  We just won’t.  And, yeah, that can sometimes keep you from pre-marital sex.  But, when the ring goes on the finger, it all becomes both legal and good, but their attitude hasn’t changed.  In their minds, sex is still dirty.

By contrast, I know plenty of Christian married couples where one or both of the people have had pretty colorful histories in regards to sexuality.  And, shockingly, a number of those married couples have fantastic sex lives.  Again, we should ask: how does that happen?

It turns out that if you go to God and say, “I’ve made a mess of sex in my life, but I don’t want to do that anymore.  God, can you show me what you want sex to look like for me?”, God’s answer to that request is, “Heck yes!” 

The truth is that there is no such thing as “damaged goods”.  There just isn’t.  You can have screwed up in an arena 10,000 times, but the day you go to God and ask for his plan, he’ll still be ready to give it to you.

But, now, for the exceptionally brave, there is something better: redemption.  To redeem something means to bring something good out of it.  And God is in the business of redeeming our sinful pasts.

If you’re willing, Amanda, God can turn your struggles with sexuality into something amazing. 

Here’s a secret that I know about sex the way the world approaches it: it isn’t special.  Ever.  It’s boring.  And routine.  And as-expected.  And disappointing.  And guilty.  And if you’ve gone through rough times with sexuality in your life, then you know all that.

And, see, when God brings you to the place of marriage, and teaches you how to have a sex life that’s focused on serving your spouse, and celebrating the spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy that God’s given you, you will know not only that your married sex life is extremely special, but you will know what the alternative is.  And that is a great gift.

Don’t just let God forgive your past.  Let him redeem it.  Make up your mind to have the sex life he always wanted for you, and then, you will be in a unique position to talk to young women that are hurting themselves with premarital sex and say, “Let me tell you about something so much better.”

If you read one article - ever - about dating as a Christian, it should be this one.  Check it and spread the word!

unkaglen:

Let’s face it, dating is a modern cultural phenomenon. The Bible doesn’t say anything about it, because dating as we know it today didn’t exist back then. So can we still apply the Bible to the modern cultural phenomenon of dating? You bet. But it won’t work to try and rewrite the rules of dating…

Quick Intro:
In this series, we’re taking a look at the way God designed sex to work within marriage, and how awesome it is.  We’re specifically looking at a book in the Bible called “Song of Solomon”, which comes right before Isaiah.  The whole book is about how great sex is within marriage.  In fact, it’s an explicit conversation between a husband and wife.  Seriously – check it out.

Today: The Total Package!

Alright, my friends.  We’re about to put the secular world to shame.  This is from Song of Solomon, and, in this passage, the husband is talking about his wife:

“Body and soul, you are paradise,
   a whole orchard of succulent fruits.” (c.f. Song of Solomon 4:8-15, MSG)

A stand up comic once said, “I don’t care how gorgeous a woman is, somewhere on earth, there’s a guy that’s sick of putting up with her nonsense.”  (He may have used a word other than “nonsense.”)

But his point is well taken.  They say that beauty is only skin deep, and, in a worldly sense, that could not be more true.

The awful reality is that physical beauty – or a lack of it – is a weird handicap in every direction in the dating world.  Folks who don’t have the greatest looks are ignored, whether they’re amazing people or not.  And folks who have striking features and fast metabolisms are generally deluged with attention from people who just want something out of them.  And neither situation is good.

The secular world has so reduced romance and sexuality to something physical that people routinely have sex with people they don’t even like.  A non-Christian friend of mine once reported that he wound up on a date with a woman he couldn’t stand, so he decided to try and get her into bed as a way of making up for a crappy evening.

As it turns out, this is nothing to shoot for.  All we have here is a pool of people judging each other on appearances, and then using each other to scratch an itch.  Nothing could be more sad, and nothing could be less satisfying.

But, in a Christian marriage, what we see is your spouse beholding both your physical body and your spiritual self, and digging all of it.

The husband in this passage is clearly entranced by his wife’s beauty (just read everything that comes before this verse).  But he is turned on by her personhood – her soul – just as much.

Now, we’ve all heard the bland and terrible phrase, “She has a nice personality.”  But that isn’t what’s being said here.

The husband is saying that both her physicality and spirituality are overflowing with awesomeness.  Yes, altogether, she is a paradise, but that paradise is composed of detail after detail after detail (an orchard has many trees in it!), and that every bit of it is being tasted and savored and explored.  He is as turned on by her kindness as he is by her curves.

To the husband in this passage, sex isn’t about scratching an itch.  And it isn’t about celebrating his wife’s physical beauty – not solely.  No, to the husband, sex with his wife is a celebration of all of her – mind, body, and spirit.

Here’s why this matters.  You will be physically attracted to your spouse, yes, but God wants to give you the total package.  God wants to give you a spouse who excites you and turns you on with their heart as well as their body.

And that means that it only gets better.  As you grow as a Christian, your personhood grows richer, and deeper, and more amazing.  You’re becoming who you really are.  And, to your spouse, all of that is more and more of a turn-on.

In the secular world, when two people hook up, you can start the timer until they’re bored with each other, and they move on.  But in God’s plan, there is always more to discover in your spouse, and your marriage, and your sexuality.  There is always more to savor and to celebrate.  Yes, age and physical decline happen to us all.  But God wants to give you a marriage where, wrinkles or no, your spouse sees you ministering to a person going through a hard time and gets that look in their eye of, “My, my, my.  Just wait till I get you home.”

This is sexuality that only gets better. My friends, that’s what God wants for you. It’s what awaits you, and it’s worth waiting for.