morethanjustlaceandaprettyface asked you:
I know this is going to be a really trivial question but I wanted your opinion. I attend church but just last year I started attending an under 30’s bible study and got to know the young people from my church a lot more than before. I feel that I like this one boy however he is the ministers son and although I wouldn’t consider myself unpure I’ve had a few boyfriends and I think he would probably see me as like unpure and not the ideal christian girl. do you think this would be true?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hi Tracy,

My friend, I’m glad you asked, because this is not at all a trivial question.

If you are a Christian – and, thus, Jesus has paid for your sins – then you are not unpure, impure, nonpure, or anything else.  You are 100% completely new, pure, and set apart.  Period.  The end.  (See 2 Corinthians 5:17.)

In regards to dating and relationships, there is a lot of nonsense circulating in Christian culture right now, and I’m betting you’ve heard a certain amount of it.  There are people who will tell you that, with every romantic relationship you have – sexual or not – you are “giving away a piece of yourself” that you can’t ever get back.  And so, the more relationships you’ve had, the less of “you” is left to give to your future husband.

This is wrong.  Not a little wrong.  Not partially wrong.  No, this is all the way, completely and unequivocally wrong.  Holy cow.

The truth, Tracy, is that being a Christian is all about being who you really are.  It’s about living into the you that God created.  So, the longer you walk with the Lord, and the closer your relationship with God becomes, the more you have to give to a husband, regardless of whatever past you’ve had.

Here’s why I bring that up.  There are “Christian” guys out there that don’t want anything to do with a girl who’s had a checkered dating history.  Here in the states, there’s a well-known Christian speaker who has said publicly that he was terrified by the thought that his wife wouldn’t be a virgin, and that he might not have married her if she wasn’t. 

Well, dang.  That guy sucks!

You, my dear sister, don’t want anything to do with a guy like that.  And I’ll tell you why.  Aside from pointing to huge, unresolved hang-ups with his own sexuality, this reveals a person with major, major problems in his walk.

Jesus said, “He who has been forgiven little, loves little.  He who has been forgiven much, loves much.”  (See Luke 7:47)  When you realize that God has shown you infinite, undeserved, impossible grace, you don’t go around judging the past mistakes of others.  But, when you think you’re mostly squared away on your own, you feel free to look down on others.

The kind of man you want is a man who knows how much he has been forgiven and delivered from.  You want a man who is defined by the grace that God has shown him.  That kind of man will have something amazing: understanding.

An understanding man will look at your past and know that you came by all of it honestly.  He will know that, whatever mistakes you made, they seemed like a good idea at the time.  In fact, from a certain perspective, they seemed like the only real choice before you at the time.  He will know that those mistakes didn’t say anything about you then, and they don’t say anything about you today.  He will know that, if he didn’t make the same mistakes in his own past, it’s only by the grace of God.

Lastly, the man you want will be concerned about your future, not your past.  Marriage is about building a life together and serving the Lord through that team.  That’s all about the future, my sister.  In fact, it’s just like what Paul said in Philippians 3: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal.” (Phil 3:13-14, NIV)

So, whether it’s the minister’s son or anybody else, approach that man with confidence.  You’re a daughter of God who’s sins are paid for, and who’s future is unbelievably amazing.  And any man with any sense would be lucky to get to share it with you.

Anonymous asked:

I recently got out of a two year homosexual relationship after being really convicted by the Lord. I understand that the healing process I’m going through will take a while but, lately, all I can think about is how I’ve ruined any chance I had at honoring a future husband. How could a man of God love me when I’m so disgusted with myself?

Jed Brewer replied:

Beloved, who you are and what you’ve done are not the same thing.

When we think about “big” sins – drug addiction, sexual stuff, violence – we have a way of thinking that the things we’ve done say something about us.  That they say something about the kind of people we are.

Well, they don’t.

The only thing that your sin tells us about you is your capacity.  That, in a given set of circumstances, if we line everything up just so, you are capable of doing something you’ll later regret.  As it turns out, this is not news – that’s what it is to be a sinner.

You may have heard this phrase before: “There but for the grace of God go I.”  If you haven’t, it’s a good one to remember and hold onto.  The idea is that, when we see a “great big sinner” crossing our path, we remind ourselves that the difference between us and them are the circumstances that God allowed to occur in our lives.

I’ve never had a homosexual relationship.  But, given the right set of circumstances in my life, I guarantee you I would have.  I can guarantee you that because I know that I am a sinner, and, as the Bible says, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.”

While we’re at it, I bet you have never bowed down and worshipped success as an idol, placing your health, youth, and relationships on its thirsty altar.  But I have, and, if you were in my shoes, you would have done the same thing.

So, where does that leave us?  It leaves us realizing that our sins don’t tell us who we are, so we need something else to do that.  That something is, in fact, a someone, and that someone is God.

If I may be so bold, let me offer a taste of what I think the Lord might say about you.

I see in this question a gal who has committed what Christian culture has (wrongly) made the chief and cardinal sin of our age, and who, in spite of that, finds herself wrestling with the fact that she knows God has something for her.  I don’t hear a girl who’s given up on the idea of a Godly husband, I hear a girl who knows, somewhere within her heart, that there will be a Godly husband, and she doesn’t know how that will work.

I sense a girl who, at the “height of her transgression”, knew that God was, and was with her, and sensed his gentle and insistent calling that, “Daughter, I have better for you than this.”

I see a girl who heard that, and who chose to follow.

I definitely see a girl who has made a decision to work this thing out, to not be ruled by shame, or guilt, or regret, but to walk the path the Lord has for her, and to get the help she needs in order to do that.

I sense, and hear, and see a daughter of God.  And your future, Godly husband will sense, and hear, and see the same.

Sis, there’s nothing wrong with you.  You are honoring your future husband by doing the hard work of healing you’re engaged in right now.  Live boldly into being the Godly woman the Lord made you to be – that’s who you really are.  The deeper you live into that identity, the more you’ll realize that not only did your sins never say anything about you, but, in fact, they never had that power to begin with.

Over the past few days, I’ve gotten a number of questions from folks who’ve done things they feel ashamed of in their past, and they’re wondering, “What now?”  They’re wondering what God thinks about all of it, and they’re wondering what other people – say, a future husband – is going to think about all of it.

Each question – there’s a few on sex, and a few on cutting – will get it’s own reply, but, there’s a common thread running through all of them, and we’re going to take a look at that here.

So, what does God think of your sin?  Easy.  He understands.

If you don’t know this verse, I’d encourage you to read it to yourself everyday for the next week, month, year, forever…

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16)

What’s God saying here?  First, he gets it.  The thing you were into, whether it was cutting, or sex, or drugs, he understands why you were into it.  He understands how you got into it in the first place.  He understands why it seemed like a good idea.  He understands what the draw was.  He understands what seemed pleasurable about it.  He understands how hard it was to turn loose of it.  He understands how hard it is to stay clear of it today.  He understands the feelings of guilt and shame that you’re struggling with now.  He understands.

Well, where does that leave us?  It leaves us realizing that we have no reason to be ashamed.  God was not ashamed to shed his blood for you when you were at your worst.  God is not ashamed today to call you his child.  If God ain’t ashamed, then you don’t have to be ashamed.

Your sin says one thing – and only one thing – about you: you are the kind of person Jesus Christ came to save.  Sinners sin.  That’s what they do.  Doesn’t make it right, sure.  But Jesus came unto a world of sinners, and he came, in the midst of your sin, looking for you. 

God hates sin, yes.  But he hates sin precisely because he loves you.  When we sin (which all of us do, all the time), it hurts us, it hurts others, and it leaves us settling for less than God has for us.  That’s why God hates it.  (What kind of a Father would be ok with watching his child hurt herself?)  But God’s hatred of sin never leaves him confused about his love for you.

God loves you.  He loved you when you were cutting, and he loves you today.  He would keep on loving you if you went back to cutting.  Love and behavior are not connected to each other.

Lastly, God is not confused about who you are.  By I wonder if you are.  Your sin confirms that you are a sinner.  But that’s it.  The plans he had for you when he made you – to give you a hope and a future, to use you to change the world, the raise up a Godly husband or wife for you – those plans have not changed.  You have not been diminished or lessened.  You are not tainted or different.  You are not damaged goods.

No, you are the adopted child of the King of the universe.  You are a treasure that was buried in a field.  God saw you, covered in dirt, and he bent down, and dusted you off, and got a good look at you, and He. Was. Excited.  He said to himself, “My mind’s made up.  I’m selling everything I’ve got, I’m buying this field, I must have this person with me.”  Well, it turned out money wasn’t enough.  The field had to be paid for in blood.  So God said, “Ok.  No problem.”  And he stretched out his arms and he died.

That makes you his.  You are his child.  That’s who you are.  You are not a girl who used to cut herself.  That’s something you did, not who you are.  You are a child of God.  You are not a girl who got confused and had a same-sex relationship.  That’s something you did, not who you are.  You are a child of God. 

Take hold of that identity.  Live into it.  Run full speed after it.  Forget what is behind, and press on towards what is ahead.  What is behind you never meant anything anyway.  But what is ahead…well, that’s worth living for.