shinebright88 asked you:
Hey Jed! First of all, I LOVE your blog. It always covers a topic that I’m wondering about. 10 months ago, I realized that I had more than friends” feelings for my best guy friend. Since then, i’ve gone through a thousand different emotions. He hasn’t made any comments about it, so i assume he just wants to be friends. He’s the most Godly man I know, and I admire him a lot. He puts his relationship with God above everything else, and I don’t want to be “that girl” who messes that up. Any advice?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Sis,

Thanks so much for the kind words on the blog!

My sister, I think you should go read the book of Ruth.  She was a Godly woman who set her eyes on a Godly man and decided it was go time.  And she wasn’t subtle about it.  And it worked.  And it was awesome.  And she became Jesus’ great-great-great-great Grandma.

I think you may need to pull a Ruth.  Your friend’s a Godly dude.  And that’s what you dig about him.  Awesome.  The only problem is that you say, “He hasn’t made any comments…so I assume he just wants to be friends.” 

Here’s the thing: I am a dude.  And on behalf of dude’s everywhere, we are really, REALLY thick-headed.  I mean, dang.  Subtlety is lost on us.  Like you wouldn’t believe.  We need people – and especially ladies – to be shockingly direct, or we just will not get it.

So gather your courage, and be direct.  Do what Ruth did.  I have a hunch you’ll like the results a whole lot.

rkffuddl asked you:
What does a relationship centered on God look like?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey my friend,

That’s a great question.  And I’m really glad you asked, because the answer’s really simple, but it isn’t quite what you’d expect.

See, I think that, for a lot of us, when we hear phrases like “a relationship centered on God”, it draws to mind something super-duper spiritual, probably with a lot of words in Greek, and something that we’re pretty sure we couldn’t ever live up to.  I’ve definitely felt that way.

The good news, though, is that Godly relationships are meant for real, normal people who love Jesus.  In fact, being super-duper spiritual would probably get in the way, and you’ll understand why I say that in just a second.

A relationship centered on God is one where the two of you serve the Lord more effectively together – as a team – than you were able to separately.  That’s it.

Now, certainly, living that out involves cultivating and maintaining a close walk with the Lord for both of you individually.  It involves holding each other accountable.  And it involves encouraging each other.  But the sum total – when you put all the pieces together – is that you and beloved are better able to serve Jesus now than you were when you were single.

So how does that work out in real, actual life?  I’ll give you a few examples.

• On Tuesdays, I lead worship for a service focused on the needs of men and women coming out of jail and drug addiction.  My wife is running the soundboard, cueing me on things I need to be aware of (like standing up straight - seriously), and debriefing with me afterwards on what parts worked well, and what parts didn’t, and why.  All of that makes me a massively better worship leader.
• Once a month, my wife is a part of leading a worship service for ladies coming out of addiction, prostitution, and the street lifestyle.  We develop her sermon content together before hand.  Then, I haul and set up equipment while she’s greeting the folks who are showing up for the service.  And, while they’re meeting, I’m holding down security at the door.
• A big part of my job is developing media for ministry applications.  Earlier today, I told my wife that the Lord was putting a really, really big project on my heart.  I knew it was coming from Him, but, dang, I felt like it was too big for me to pull off!  And my wife, without missing a beat, said, “You can do it.  God’s got it.  It’s no problem at all.  And we’ll do it together,” and then proceeded to grab her laptop and begin Googling the practical steps we would need to begin putting together this particular project.

See, in each of these cases, there’s a team element at work.  Sometimes that team element makes things better – as in the case of my worship leading.  Sometimes it makes it easier – as in the case of me hauling equipment.  And sometimes it makes things just plain possible – as in the case of my big huge media project.

But in every case, there’s a level of ministry going on that couldn’t exist without both of us.  And that’s what a relationship focused on God looks like.

I mentioned that being super duper spiritual might get in the way.  The reason why is that a lot of super spiritual people are too important to haul equipment, too sensitive to run a soundboard, and too heavenly-minded to use Google.  And that’s no good.

The truth is that a healthy long-term relationship – including a healthy marriage – involves a shocking amount of practical, roll-up-your-sleeves work, planning, and execution.  Serving the Lord together requires even more of that.

If you’ve got a desire to serve the Lord and keep it real in your life, you’re already pointed in the right direction to have a relationship centered on God.

Anonymous asked:
Hi,I was in a relationship a while ago. He hurt me a lot, and wouldn’t speak to me afterwards to get any sort of closure from it, like none at all. I had to find it on my own. I’ve decided to try to let go of the anger and to forgive him and myself for any mistakes. Now, I’m in a constant fear and anxiety of going back to that same place of hurt. And now, it has become difficult to remember all the ways he hurt me and it makes me have a harder time moving forward.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Anon,

First, before anything, I’m really sorry you’re hurting.  I’m sorry that your heart got broken, and I’m sorry the guy you were with handled things the way he did.  For what it’s worth, that really sucks.

What I think I hear you saying is that you went through a terrible period of suffering, and you feel almost a panic about making sure that it never happens again, but, you’re not sure what you can do to keep history from repeating itself.

I don’t know the details of what you experienced, but, what you’re describing is consistent with what people experience when they go through a trauma.  In other words, at least for you – internally - it sounds like this experience went way beyond a broken heart, into something debilitating.  And we need to figure out why.

When I was in high school, I dated a gal for maybe a month and a half, and then she broke things off.  And that messed me up – bad – for more than a year.  Our relationship hadn’t been all that hot and heavy, but the end of it just plain crushed me.  And I had friends who, at a certain point, started to say, “Dude, what’s going on here?  Why can’t you move on?”

What it took me a very long time to realize is that I didn’t feel loved or wanted by my family.  (And, of course, I didn’t have any kind of walk with the Lord.)  So, this dating relationship was the one place in my life where I experienced being loved.  Thus, when it ended, I was cast into a purgatory of feeling completely unloved and unwanted, in life as a whole.  That’s why I felt crushed, and why I just couldn’t move on.

I tell you that story to mention that what would have been a run-of-the-mill break-up to anybody else (and it certainly was to her) was devastating to me.  And it was devastating because of other things in my life that I wasn’t aware of at the time.

For you, sis, it sounds like you may be dealing with something similar.  Again, the feeling of panic that we have to make sure “this never happens again” is generally something people feel as a response to life-and-death events.  So, what that suggests is that, to you, this breakup was life-and-death. 

There’s a reason you feel that way, and I’d encourage you to find an older Christian mentor or pastor and start talking things out.  Because, unfortunately, if we don’t fix whatever underlying problem is causing us to feel traumatized, the terrible thing is very likely to happen again.  And that’s no good.

The good news, anon, is that, whatever the underlying problem is, it’s fixable.  And fixing that problem will take you from a place of being victimized to a place of being able to enjoy blessings in your life. 

Make it a point to find that older Christian you can keep it real with.  Share your story with them and ask them to help you figure out what’s driving the hurt on this.  The hard work will be worth it.

Keep in touch.  I’m praying for you.

jkhayz asked you:
I’ve recently begun to identify some things I need to work on in my relationship with God. The biggest issue right now is trust. I guess because of some wounds from relationships with guys, the biggest being my dad, I have trouble trusting someone that says they want “to do what’s best for me” because that has been painful and messy in the past. Any advice on working through these issues?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey Sidney,

Fantastic question.

Here’s the most important thing we can say about trust: it is earned.

Christians can get confused on this, because they’re used to the idea that you should love everyone, and that you should love people whether they love you back or not.  And, generally speaking, that’s true.  We do have “an ongoing debt to love one another” (Romans 13:8), and love is, ultimately, a gift.  It’s a decision that we make to be devoted to another person’s good, regardless of their behavior.

Trust is another thing entirely.  You can love someone without trusting them at all.  (In fact, often times, the people we love the most – such as family members – we can trust the least.) 

If we wanted to loosely define trust (in the context of a relationship), we might say that trust is the demonstrated ability and tendency of a person to responsibly take care of a duty.  In other words, trust is the belief (on our part) that a person will do the right thing (on their part) in a given situation.

When we turn to the Bible, we see a pattern of God having us earn his trust, and God refusing to give trust where it hasn’t been earned.  Let’s take a look.

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’” (Matthew 25:21, NIV) 

“But Jesus didn’t entrust his life to them. He knew them inside and out, knew how untrustworthy they were.” (John 2:24, MSG)

Now, what does this mean for your life?  Well, a few things.

First, in every relationship, you should only be giving people the trust that they have earned.  This includes your Dad.  If he doesn’t have a track record of actually knowing and doing “what’s best for you”, then you should not trust him to know and do what’s best for you.  You can show a person respect – in the case of a parent – without trusting them.

Second, if people have earned your trust, then you’ll want to make the courageous decision to give them that trust.  So, if in some arena – say, calling when they say they’ll call – someone proves themselves reliable and trustworthy, then you’ll want to make the decision to trust them when they say they’ll call.  That means you don’t whisper, “yeah right” under your breath.  That means you have your phone with you so you can take that call.  And that means that if it’s 5 minutes past when they said they’d call, and they haven’t, you give them the benefit of the doubt, ‘cause maybe they’re stuck in a meeting.

The final thing that it means for you, Sidney, is that you want to be willing to give people opportunities to earn your trust.  So, say you meet a new guy, and you think he’s nifty - you give him a chance to prove that he can be trustworthy.  Rather than thinking all guys are pigs (which I’m sure you would never do), you tell him, “I’m gonna be home and waiting to hear from you at 9 PM”, and then give him the opportunity to call.  When he proves faithful with that little thing, you give him a slightly bigger thing to be faithful with – like, maybe, picking you up at a given time.

I’m proud of you for facing this head-on.  When you’ve gone through a period in life where people brazenly betrayed your trust, it’s hard to know how to move forward.  (I know that was true in my life.)  But, if you’ll insist that the people in your life earn your trust, and then you make the brave decision to give them the trust that they have earned, you’ll be pointed in the exact right direction.

Want to give dating advice?  Need to give dating advice?  Afraid you don’t know what to say?  Check this post!

thebridgechicago:

Anonymous asked: My friends talk to me about their relationship problems a lot. I want to give them advice, especially if something bad is going on in the relationship. The thing is, I don’t have much dating experience. So should I just not say anything? I want to help!

I answered: If you…

morethanjustlaceandaprettyface asked you:
I know this is going to be a really trivial question but I wanted your opinion. I attend church but just last year I started attending an under 30’s bible study and got to know the young people from my church a lot more than before. I feel that I like this one boy however he is the ministers son and although I wouldn’t consider myself unpure I’ve had a few boyfriends and I think he would probably see me as like unpure and not the ideal christian girl. do you think this would be true?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hi Tracy,

My friend, I’m glad you asked, because this is not at all a trivial question.

If you are a Christian – and, thus, Jesus has paid for your sins – then you are not unpure, impure, nonpure, or anything else.  You are 100% completely new, pure, and set apart.  Period.  The end.  (See 2 Corinthians 5:17.)

In regards to dating and relationships, there is a lot of nonsense circulating in Christian culture right now, and I’m betting you’ve heard a certain amount of it.  There are people who will tell you that, with every romantic relationship you have – sexual or not – you are “giving away a piece of yourself” that you can’t ever get back.  And so, the more relationships you’ve had, the less of “you” is left to give to your future husband.

This is wrong.  Not a little wrong.  Not partially wrong.  No, this is all the way, completely and unequivocally wrong.  Holy cow.

The truth, Tracy, is that being a Christian is all about being who you really are.  It’s about living into the you that God created.  So, the longer you walk with the Lord, and the closer your relationship with God becomes, the more you have to give to a husband, regardless of whatever past you’ve had.

Here’s why I bring that up.  There are “Christian” guys out there that don’t want anything to do with a girl who’s had a checkered dating history.  Here in the states, there’s a well-known Christian speaker who has said publicly that he was terrified by the thought that his wife wouldn’t be a virgin, and that he might not have married her if she wasn’t. 

Well, dang.  That guy sucks!

You, my dear sister, don’t want anything to do with a guy like that.  And I’ll tell you why.  Aside from pointing to huge, unresolved hang-ups with his own sexuality, this reveals a person with major, major problems in his walk.

Jesus said, “He who has been forgiven little, loves little.  He who has been forgiven much, loves much.”  (See Luke 7:47)  When you realize that God has shown you infinite, undeserved, impossible grace, you don’t go around judging the past mistakes of others.  But, when you think you’re mostly squared away on your own, you feel free to look down on others.

The kind of man you want is a man who knows how much he has been forgiven and delivered from.  You want a man who is defined by the grace that God has shown him.  That kind of man will have something amazing: understanding.

An understanding man will look at your past and know that you came by all of it honestly.  He will know that, whatever mistakes you made, they seemed like a good idea at the time.  In fact, from a certain perspective, they seemed like the only real choice before you at the time.  He will know that those mistakes didn’t say anything about you then, and they don’t say anything about you today.  He will know that, if he didn’t make the same mistakes in his own past, it’s only by the grace of God.

Lastly, the man you want will be concerned about your future, not your past.  Marriage is about building a life together and serving the Lord through that team.  That’s all about the future, my sister.  In fact, it’s just like what Paul said in Philippians 3: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal.” (Phil 3:13-14, NIV)

So, whether it’s the minister’s son or anybody else, approach that man with confidence.  You’re a daughter of God who’s sins are paid for, and who’s future is unbelievably amazing.  And any man with any sense would be lucky to get to share it with you.

purposeinlove asked you:
How do I know which friendships to keep or let go of?

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey sis,

That’s a great question.

In any relationship, either you’re influencing them, or they’re influencing you.  (And if you’re not sure which way it’s going, the odds are that you’re the one being influenced.)

We become like the people that influence us.  So, if you take a look at your friends and figure out which ones are influencing you, the question is: are these people that you want to be like?

If they aren’t, then it may be time to re-evaluate or, as you said, let go of that relationship, at least in its current form. 

To the positive, though, if you have a friend that’s a good influence on you, and is pointing you in a direction to be more Godly and joyful and peaceful, maybe we want to not only keep that relationship strong, but maybe we want to make it a higher priority in our life.

I should note that, when I speak of friendships, I’m speaking of two-way relationships.  In other words, you encourage them, and they encourage you.  You seek them out, and they seek you out. 

There are plenty of relationships, however, that are one-way.  You seek them out, and not vice versa.  You encourage them, and not vice versa. 

Well, here, with one-way relationships, we’re really beginning to describe ministerial relationships.  And, in that case, it’s not so much about keeping versus letting go, as it is prioritizing.

In your one-way relationships, I bet you have some folks that really respond to your encouragement and are working things out in their walk with the Lord.  They should be your priority.  By contrast, I bet you have some other folks that are pretty well content to take up your time and energy and attention, and make essentially zero changes in their life.  We don’t need to judge the folks in that camp – we’ve all been there at one time or another – but we’ll want to make them, for now, a lower priority.

Eventually, the folks that are sitting still will be ready for something new in life, and they’ll let you know that, and at that point, you move them up the priority scale.  In the meantime, focus your attention on the folks that are making the hard choices to move forward in their walk.

I’m glad you’re being conscientious about the relationships in your life.  As you intentionally cultivate strong friendships with good influences, and good ministry relationships with folks ready for change, you’ll really like what you see.

guidetheblind asked you:
My friend just got her first boyfriend. They’re both self-professed Christians. They shared their first kiss. I always thought he was a nice guy, but the more she tells me about him, the more I start to not like him as much. She just told me that he said to her that he wants to have sex with her. She’s come to me for help. I think she should get out NOW. But she really likes him, and says that she’s never felt this way about a guy before.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey sis,

Well, here we have the age-old problem of perspective.  You’re able to see something clearly that your friend who’s down-in-it is having a much harder time realizing.

If I can read between the lines of what you’re saying, I’m hearing that we have a dude that, at first glance, seems nice enough and Christian and everything.  But, behind closed doors, he starts acting more and more like a tool.  He doesn’t want to respect the boundaries of the person he’s with, which is a major problem, but now your friend has an emotional investment that clouds the issue.

Well, look, of course, sex outside of marriage is not God’s plan, and I think we’re all clear on that.  And, if a person can’t respect your boundaries, you shouldn’t be with them.  And, if you can’t set and keep boundaries yourself, you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. 

But none of that is the critical issue, and that’s because of the last thing you said: “she’s never felt this way about a guy before.”

One of the things about being human is that we want our emotions to define reality for us.  The problem is that they can’t. 

If you go to a casino, you’ll see dozens of gambling addicts, about to lose their shirt, who are convinced to the core of their soul that this next hand of blackjack, this next spin on the roulette wheel, or this next roll of the dice at the craps table is going to turn everything around.  You can remind them of all the times they’ve lost the rent check doing this, explain to them the mathematical certainty that they will lose, exhort them that their wife will leave them if it ever happens again, but none of that will make any difference.  Because, in their heart, this time is different.  They can feel it.

I mention that to mention this: the hard decision before your friend is not one of right versus wrong, of premarital sex versus chastity.  The hard decision is going with emotion versus going with what you know to be true.

The truth, sis, is that your friend is almost certain to go with emotion, sleep with a guy she shouldn’t, and get her heart broken.  I hope I’m wrong about that, but that’s the likely outcome.  In truth, I’m guessing she’s already made her choice on this, and may have done far more with her boyfriend than she’s letting on to you.

It’s important for you to know that it isn’t on you to fix this situation.  That’s out of your hands.  What you can do now is to make sure your friend knows that you love her, even if she makes really dumb decisions.  To make sure that she knows that you aren’t judging on her today, and that you won’t be at any point down the road, either.

You’ll want to make sure your friend knows that because the good news is that there is life after this bad relationship.  There will come a point where your friend will be ready for something new, and that’s when we want to encourage her about what we do moving forward.  And here’s what we do moving forward:

• Pray about and set what my emotional, relational, financial, and sexual boundaries are now, while I’m not in a relationship.
• Pray about and decide now what a dealbreaker is in a relationship with a future guy.  (Hint: Him pressuring me into sex should be on that list.)
• Pray about and decide now what the exit strategy is going to be if I’m with a guy who violates my boundaries or crosses a dealbreaker line.  In other words: what’s my plan for breaking it off?  How do I practically do that?

Relationships are for grown folks.  And grown folks don’t let their emotions tell them what to do.  Unfortunately, the path to being grown often involves some avoidable heartbreak along the way.  For your friend, she’s lucky to have you ready to walk that next mile with her after that heartbreak has come and gone.

This will set your hair on fire.  So dang good.

leeyounger:

Anonymous asked:

I’m in a relationship I know God doesn’t want me to be in. I know it’s not His will for me, but I just feel like I can’t stop. I can’t get out. I can’t turn these feelings off. I know I should, but I don’t think I can… Help?

So I Said:

Okay, it’s not going to…