Hey everybody!

So, my friends over at The Good Women Project re-printed a blog post I wrote about the question, “What’s the point of waiting til marriage if you’ve already had sex?”  

If you would, take a second to stop by their site, click “like”, and leave a nice comment.  I’d really appreciate it!

Jed

goodwomenproject:

QUESTION: What is the point of waiting to have sex with my boyfriend until we get married, if I’ve already had sex before? I know it’s the right thing, but I’ve already messed things up, so does it really matter?

JED BREWER: I totally appreciate your question. And it makes sense. And I’m glad you asked.

When God says to save sex for marriage, it’s not because he has a bizarre fixation on people being virgins on their wedding night. No, he says it because sex forges an emotional bond between the two people involved.Sex forges that bond because that’s what it’s designed to do. When that bond is forged between two people who have made a commitment to be with each other, no matter what (which is what a marriage is), then everything works great. The emotional bond matches the relational bond. But when that bond is forged between two people who aren’t quite sure and they’ll see how it goes, well, people get hurt
.

destinationunknownstar asked you:
Before you got married did you feel like it was never gonna happen? See I am 22 years old and have never had a relationship before, yet it is my greatest desire to be married and have children, in the future of course. And the thing is I know what kind of man I want. And to sum the perfect man up for me is to say “I want him to Love God more than he does me.” Why because if he is a God fearing man then I know he will treat me as God asks of husbands to treat their wives.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey my friend,

Of course I felt that way!  In my case, when you find yourself working in fulltime urban ministry with dangerous environments, low pay, and long hours, you understandably wonder: would any girl really want to sign up for this?

Fortunately for me, around the same time I was wondering that, on the other side of the world, there was this gorgeous brunette finishing up her tour of duty in Iraq as an officer in the U.S. Army.  And she was feeling two great burdens in her life: a desire to minister to marginalized people, and to do so together with a Godly husband.  But, she understandably wondered: Where in the heck would I find that guy?!

You may sense where this is going, but, of course, she finished up, came home to the suburbs of Chicago, and showed up to volunteer at my work.  And the rest is very romantic history.

Now, I told you all of that to tell you this: the kind of man you want is out there, and, if you’ll wait on God’s timing, the Lord will make sure the two of you wind up in the same place at the same time.

But I think we need to ask: what the heck do we do in the meantime?!

First, let’s be clear on the things you do not want to do.  You do not, under any circumstances, need to settle.  You said you want a God-fearing man, and you should.  But let’s be clear – a guy that goes to church but treats you like crap is not what you’re looking for.  Hear me now.  Do. Not. Settle.

Second, you don’t need to think that your singleness says anything about you.  Can we be honest for a second?  In the long run, dang near everyone gets married.  Given that, getting married doesn’t say anything more about your personhood than going to Burger King, which, also dang near everyone will do at some point in their life.

In light of this Burger King revelation, you don’t need to decide that there’s something wrong with you and attempt to fix this non-problem.  You are not too fat or too skinny or too pale or too dark or too this or too that for a guy to want you.  The right guy will think you are just right.  Trust me.

Here’s the last thing we’re not going to do.  We’re not going to beat up on ourselves for wanting to be married.  The longing is OK.  God himself looked at human beings and said, “it’s not good for them to be alone.”  God does not feel threatened by your desire for a husband.

Instead of all of that, here’s what we’re going to do.  We’re going to say: there are things I need to work on in myself in order to be ready for a Godly marriage, and I’m getting started today.  That means that I’m taking responsibility for my mental and emotional health, and figuring out how to be a balanced human being by myself.  That means I’m hunting for the insecurities I hold and tearing them out by the root.  And that means I’m investing in my walk with the Lord and my calling with everything I’ve got.

Keep your head up, sis.  It’s hard work to be ready for marriage, but it will absolutely be worth it.  And, as I said, when you’re ready and the time is right, the Lord knows how to bring the right guy into your life, even if, right now today, he’s on the other side of the world.

Anonymous asked:
I haven’t had sex but I want to (really badly) but I feel like if i do I’m just giving into my sexual desires but at the same time I feel like if I don’t, I’m punishing my body. Also, I don’t believe (due to experience) that any husband of mine will actually be a virgin so I don’t see why I have to. I know that God wants sex preserved for marriage but as long as I’m not sleeping around and i’m having sex in a loving relationship isn’t that okay? Yes, I am aware that I seem to be justifying my wants. Before everyone starts quoting scriptures, is it not important that we take into consideration the context that those things were written in, for example, people were probably getting married at the age of 15 rather than 35 so they probably didn’t have to wait as long to have sex anyway.

I really just want some words that will REALLY force me to stop myself giving into that temptation.

Jed Brewer replied:

Hey my friend.  So, you want some words that will keep you from giving into the temptation to have sex, huh?  Well, here’s the best I can do for you: it won’t work.  The sex, I mean.  The sex won’t work.

The sex won’t make you happy.  The sex won’t make you satisfied or content.  The sex won’t make you peaceful or serene.  It won’t do any of those things, because it can’t do any of those things.

If you want proof of that, look around you.  You are surrounded by people with active sex lives, who are having as much sex as they can figure out how to have.  And they are not happy.  In fact, most of them are flat out miserable.  And that is because sex doesn’t have the power to make you happy.

Sex is intended to be the (really awesome) icing on top of a committed, marital relationship.  You asked, “what if I’m in a loving relationship?”  Good question.  If you were in a truly loving relationship, you would wait for marriage.  Love always protects, and if the guy you’re with is willing to bed you before he’s married you, then he’s playing with breaking your heart badly, and, thus, he’s not protecting you.  We can look at that and say, at best, it’s a weak and immature love.  And not anything you should settle for.

Grown people – who are the only people who should be having sex – are willing to wait.  And I know that’s an ugly word.  I don’t like it either.  But, let’s be honest here: no one’s ever expired from celibacy.

I hear you describing feeling cheated and shortchanged - that everybody else is having a good time, and you didn’t get invited to the party.  For what it’s worth, I can relate to that.  It’s a crappy feeling.

But, here’s the thing…feeling cheated has to do with how you see yourself, and how you see God.  If you started having rockstar sex every day, you would still feel cheated, you’d just find something else to be envious of.  (Examples include money, success, fame, etc.) Lust – which is the belief that “this one thing” would make me happy – cannot ever be satisfied.  I promise.

No, I hear you saying that you feel like God’s holding out on you.  That right there is the real problem.  That means we’re having a hard time trusting God, and a hard time loving ourselves.  If we believe that God’s holding out on you, then, in our brains, it’s because (a) he hates you and doesn’t want good things for you, (b) you suck and don’t deserve to have good things, or (c) all of the above.

Of course neither (a) nor (b) nor (c) are true.  God loves you desperately.  He wants good things for you.  And, because he wants them for you, you deserve to have them.  But we have to choose to believe that, and right now, we’re pointed in an opposite direction.  We need to figure out why that is, so we can change it.

If you want to make some headway on this struggle, that’s where to start: how you feel about God, and how you feel about you.  Sit down with an older Christian and start talking out how you really feel – deep down – about you and God.  The truth, sis, is he loves you and his heart is toward you.  He wants you to be satisfied.  But we need to figure out why we’re having a hard time believing that.  And talking that out with an older Christian is the place to begin.

Anonymous asked:
Im 17 and i keep thinking about getting married. And i know thats normal but i think im thinking about it to much that i think im lusting (I dunno). I know at this age your hormones are going to run wild but how do i control it? I yearn for a man who can just hold me and love me. I know im suppose to fall in love with Jesus first but how do i fall in love with Him? Im feeling certain things that idk if I should be having such feelings. And is it okay for me to have a boyfriend?

Jed Brewer replied:

Thanks for your question.

God is not afraid of your desires, sis.  But, perhaps, you are.

There’s a common myth circulating amongst Christians today that “God should be enough.”  If you were really a Christian, if you really believed, if you really had faith, then God would be enough.  You wouldn’t want anyone or anything else.  Yet you do. And the strength of your desire for that something else reveals just how badly you’re falling short.

That is, of course, complete nonsense.

Way back in the Garden of Eden, before sin had even entered the picture, God looked at Adam and said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him.”  (Genesis 2:18)  Interesting.  What was God saying there?

God was saying a few things.  First, He made people to live in community with other human beings.   And, second, He designed them to have a real need for that human community, even before they were fallen and separated from Him by sin.

The ultimate distillation of that community is marriage, which is what we find just a few verses later: “God made a woman…and he brought her to the man…For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:22-25)

Alright, then, let’s be clear: you were designed to live in community with other human beings.  You have a real need for it, and God designed you to have a real need for it.  For the vast majority of people on planet earth, marriage is intended to be the major piece of how God ultimately fulfills that need in your life.

So, what does that leave us to feel bad about, exactly?

You said that you yearn for a man to just hold you and love you.  You should yearn for that.  I have no doubt that God wants that for you.  The place where we get into trouble is when we start thinking that maybe God doesn’t want to hook us up.  Because, at that point, we start thinking that maybe we have to go off on our own and hook our own selves up.  And that’s the exact moment we’ve just fallen into sin.

Just a few verses later in Genesis, Satan comes along and introduces sin into the world.  And how does he do that?  By convincing Eve that God is holding out on her.  That’s his whole argument.  “There’s good stuff out there that God doesn’t want you to have.  If you’re really gonna be happy and squared away, you have to do it on your own, because God won’t give it to you.”

That’s how sin always starts.  And, man, is that a vicious lie.  Sister, there is nothing God would like more than for you to sit down and tell him all about your desires for a strong, courageous, Godly man. There is nothing God would like more than for you to pour out your heart to him, and tell him all about your yearnings and passions.  You’re his daughter – he’s desperate to hear what’s on your heart and mind.

You said that you want to fall in love with Jesus first.  Awesome. You fall in love with Jesus by taking him up on his desire to be there for you. 

Not only does God want to hear about your desire for a Godly man, he wants to actively prepare you to receive that relationship!  I know, right?!  The God of the universe not only created you to want and desire a good, Godly romantic relationship, he actively wants to train, equip, and prepare you receive just that!

Don’t try to “turn off” how you feel.  That’s a bad idea and doesn’t work.  Instead, channel that energy into learning what God wants romance to be.  Start figuring out the kind of man God would want for you.  Start figuring out what it takes to have a Godly dating relationship and marriage. Start figuring out the kind of woman you need to be to take hold of that.

Walk every step of that process hand-in-hand with your Father, and you’ll be as righteous – and as satisfied – as you can get.

waistdeepthoughts asked:

Read your post “Ok. You’ve Had Sex. Now What?”. I’m 25 and a virgin. Definitely hard to keep that desire under control. Growing up in Christian family, that “don’t do it until u married” thing was stuck in my mind but lately its been harder. Like there’s in me that’s wanna do it (curious mind strikes too) and feel like I’m soooo old to not even try it. Reading that post makes me think, oh yeah so virginity isn’t that important anyway. Mind sharing your thoughts about it?      

 Jed Brewer answered:

Bro, thanks so much for your question.

Let me start by encouraging you that you may be sooooo old, but you’re in good company.  As it turns out, I was a virgin until I was thirty.

How the heck did that happen?  (I mean, come on, now, I’m man pretty!)

The truth is that there were two phases to my dating life, one extremely unhealthy, and the other really cool.

I grew up in a very conservative, legalistic family where everything was off limits.  That mindset was ingrained in me to the point where, with a lot of things, it never really occurred to me that I had a choice.  And so it was with sex.  I had girlfriends, but, it honestly didn’t occur to me that I could have sex if I wanted to.  And, make no mistake, I wanted to.   But, in my brain, it simply wasn’t an option for me.

One of my dating relationships ended really badly, and, I took a few years off from dating anybody.  During that time off, I began to have an actual relationship with the Lord.  By the time I was open to dating again, I was working in ministry and knew I needed to wait for God to bring the right person into my life.  And then I met my wife.  Woohoo!

But enough about me.  Let’s talk about you.  And let me encourage you to read all the way through this, because, if you stop halfway, you might get the wrong impression.

First, you have a choice.  If you don’t have sex, it’s because you choose not to have sex. You’re a grown man, and your family doesn’t get to tell you what to do anymore.  From this day on, you should own your decisions, especially about sex.

Christians usually try to rule by fear on this sort of thing, and I think we need to defuse that.  So, here are a list of things that will not happen if you have sex:

-       God will not love you less

-       The world will not end

-       You will not be a different kind of person

-       You will not be condemned to a crappy marriage as a punishment for your sin

Also, while we’re being honest, here are a couple things that aren’t terribly likely, either:

-       You aren’t terribly likely to get anyone pregnant

-       You aren’t terribly likely to get a dread disease

Those two are both possible, of course, but, if you’re using your head and some basic protection, they aren’t likely.

So, then, why not have sex?  I mean, yee-haw, right?

It’s because sex – and, really, any physical interaction – creates a sense of intimacy between the people involved.  When there isn’t a long-term, committed relationship in place to support that intimacy, the people involved get hurt.  And badly.

I may not have had sex, but, I did make out with the girls I dated.  And I can assure you that even the intimacy created by that hurts like hell went things don’t work out.  I remember having been dumped, and lying in my bed in physical pain from that broken intimacy. 

Well, dude, that sucks, and the tradeoff isn’t worth it.  There just isn’t an orgasm that good.  And if you’ve masturbated before (be honest), you’re probably aware of that.

But, I think we really need to talk about what God has in mind.  Because it’s pretty awesome.

In the context of a committed, long-term relationship – in other words, marriage – sex is fantastic.  And its fantastic because it’s a culmination, a summation, a celebration of what God has given you.  My brother, something to look forward to is meeting a Godly woman, getting married, serving the Lord together, busting your tails for the sake of the Kingdom, and then, looking into each others eyes in a quiet moment, and whispering, “Baby, I’m about to curl your toes.”

Sex without shame, guilt, weirdness, worry, insecurity, etc…sex between best friends that adore each other, sex where there’s both vulnerability and acceptance…That, my man, is worth waiting for.

Bonus points:

You may be wondering, “Will I be bad at sex?  And will my future wife think I’m a weirdo?”  No, your future wife will not think you are a weirdo.  (Mine didn’t.)  And, no, you will not be bad at sex. By the time you’ve been married for a week, the thought will be completely out of your brain.

Jed Brewer is an urban missionary in the city of Chicago.  He works with men and women coming out of prison, street gangs, and drug addiction, and helps them connect with Jesus and the local church.  For more, see missionusa.com.