Jed Brewer answered:
Bro, thanks so much for your question.
Let me start by encouraging you that you may be sooooo old, but you’re in good company. As it turns out, I was a virgin until I was thirty.
How the heck did that happen? (I mean, come on, now, I’m man pretty!)
The truth is that there were two phases to my dating life, one extremely unhealthy, and the other really cool.
I grew up in a very conservative, legalistic family where everything was off limits. That mindset was ingrained in me to the point where, with a lot of things, it never really occurred to me that I had a choice. And so it was with sex. I had girlfriends, but, it honestly didn’t occur to me that I could have sex if I wanted to. And, make no mistake, I wanted to. But, in my brain, it simply wasn’t an option for me.
One of my dating relationships ended really badly, and, I took a few years off from dating anybody. During that time off, I began to have an actual relationship with the Lord. By the time I was open to dating again, I was working in ministry and knew I needed to wait for God to bring the right person into my life. And then I met my wife. Woohoo!
But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. And let me encourage you to read all the way through this, because, if you stop halfway, you might get the wrong impression.
First, you have a choice. If you don’t have sex, it’s because you choose not to have sex. You’re a grown man, and your family doesn’t get to tell you what to do anymore. From this day on, you should own your decisions, especially about sex.
Christians usually try to rule by fear on this sort of thing, and I think we need to defuse that. So, here are a list of things that will not happen if you have sex:
- God will not love you less
- The world will not end
- You will not be a different kind of person
- You will not be condemned to a crappy marriage as a punishment for your sin
Also, while we’re being honest, here are a couple things that aren’t terribly likely, either:
- You aren’t terribly likely to get anyone pregnant
- You aren’t terribly likely to get a dread disease
Those two are both possible, of course, but, if you’re using your head and some basic protection, they aren’t likely.
So, then, why not have sex? I mean, yee-haw, right?
It’s because sex – and, really, any physical interaction – creates a sense of intimacy between the people involved. When there isn’t a long-term, committed relationship in place to support that intimacy, the people involved get hurt. And badly.
I may not have had sex, but, I did make out with the girls I dated. And I can assure you that even the intimacy created by that hurts like hell went things don’t work out. I remember having been dumped, and lying in my bed in physical pain from that broken intimacy.
Well, dude, that sucks, and the tradeoff isn’t worth it. There just isn’t an orgasm that good. And if you’ve masturbated before (be honest), you’re probably aware of that.
But, I think we really need to talk about what God has in mind. Because it’s pretty awesome.
In the context of a committed, long-term relationship – in other words, marriage – sex is fantastic. And its fantastic because it’s a culmination, a summation, a celebration of what God has given you. My brother, something to look forward to is meeting a Godly woman, getting married, serving the Lord together, busting your tails for the sake of the Kingdom, and then, looking into each others eyes in a quiet moment, and whispering, “Baby, I’m about to curl your toes.”
Sex without shame, guilt, weirdness, worry, insecurity, etc…sex between best friends that adore each other, sex where there’s both vulnerability and acceptance…That, my man, is worth waiting for.
You may be wondering, “Will I be bad at sex? And will my future wife think I’m a weirdo?” No, your future wife will not think you are a weirdo. (Mine didn’t.) And, no, you will not be bad at sex. By the time you’ve been married for a week, the thought will be completely out of your brain.
Jed Brewer is an urban missionary in the city of Chicago. He works with men and women coming out of prison, street gangs, and drug addiction, and helps them connect with Jesus and the local church. For more, see missionusa.com.